Not really sure how to keep going

Everytime things get better, right after they seem to get worse. Maybe this is life but it doesn't seem like anyone else around me is going through these types of things. Over the last few months, I've lost nearly everyone close to me. I deserve it, I wasn't a very good friend or empathetic person and my mental health issues always got in the way of building healthy relationships, but I'm doing better now. However, these people don't necessarily see that. These people also all exist in the same hobby as me, that hopefully will turn into a career, but now that they don't want me around, its challenging to enjoy the art form that I love. I've lost my community, I've lost my art form, I've lost so much of myself. Its exhausting to keep trying and to keep pushing through constant fluctuations of good and bad. More and more, I feel like giving up. I guess I just don't know how to keep going when I've been a bad enough person to ruin everything I love.