I am experiencing traumatic memories even 2 years after our relationship ended.

Throwaway account because my family knows me from my main. Buckle in for a long, long ride. Sorry in advance!

For context I belong to a desi, Muslim family. Cousin marriages are very popular here and I know better now, so please don’t judge me.

I was in a relationship with my paternal uncle’s son (let’s call him K) for over 2 years. Both my parents and his mother had been told about it a couple of months into the relationship.

I live with my paternal aunt for university. A little over 2 years into the relationship, she decided to stir up drama with her brother, that same paternal uncle I mentioned earlier, by talking about his son’s future in terms of marriage. The statement itself was said by another paternal aunt of mine, but the situation was exacerbated by the paternal aunt I live with.

Things have been complicated between both siblings for as long as I can remember, so my paternal uncle took offense to that and refused to let me marry his son.

It led to so many fights and I had to cut off all ties with his family. No meetings, no snaps, no exchanging reels, nothing. A lot of hurtful things were said.

Until last week when my paternal uncle was invited to a family wedding because my paternal grandmother was upset he wouldn’t be there. It triggered so many memories I had with K that I don’t know how to cope with it.

6 months after it ended, my mind, for some strange reason, started being flooded with memories of his treatment of me. Being a Muslim, I didn’t want to do typical ‘couple’ things with him which included going out alone, holding hands, and the more intimate stuff. Unfortunately, he didn’t hold the same views as me.

Whenever I would say no to him, he would pressure me to do it by saying, “please, just for a little bit.” Every time I would say no, he would pull the same move. Sometimes, he would drop it but other times, he would keep on badgering me. This isn’t to say he was completely at fault because, being human, I would also initiate it sometimes but would ALWAYS regret it afterward and would often talk to him about not doing it ever again until after marriage to which he would reluctantly agree. We never did the deed, Alhamdulillah, but I have ashamed to admit we did kiss and make out a little.

There was also this one time when we were kissing and his mom walked in on us. I very distinctly remembered saying no to him before he started because I didn’t want to being a Muslim and also because someone could walk in on us. Of course, he didn’t listen. I was upset with him afterwards, but he still never stopped asking for it.

I was also very reluctant to enter into a relationship with K because of unresolved feelings with another person and dealing with a lot emotionally and mentally, which I communicated with him, but he wanted me to just give him a chance. I felt very pressurised, but being the impulsive person I am, I agreed to it.

Now, whenever someone says something similar to what he would say or when someone does something similar to what he did like touch me in a specific way, my mind remembers what K did to me. It doesn’t help that I didn’t get closure with the whole situation when it ended and that I spontaneously stopped meeting family from my relatives even though the children weren’t at fault.

Another thing that confuses me is that K’s mom would be so sweet towards me all the time, even just a month prior to everything going to shit. How could she turn on me like that and not advocate for me when push came to shove?

Sorry for my rant! Idk if I can do a TLDR for this because it’s very long.