Constant suicide ideation feelings of burden I don't want to hurt anyone

I'm usually a pretty nice person I'm pretty average and stuff I guess. But I had a mental breakdown today in front of my father. I was in the wrong. I acted horribly and I told him I wished to die. I told it to leave me alone as he chastised me about not studying. I wanted to hang myself with my bath towel. He said I was cowardly and selfish, said I was taking the easy way out and got mad. Well, at least he should have left me alone. I don't know why he stayed in my bedroom for so when I told him multiple times to leave me alone and cry to myself. I've cried so many times in front of them my tears are worthless.

What to do? I feel so bad about it. I don't want to tell anyone I don't want anyone to worry. I can't go to therapy I want to figure it out but its killing me I think about it constantly and when I say anything when I get stressed/anxious its usually towards them and they don't take it seriously. I don't want to hurt anyone but I told people I love that I want them to die. He sleeps next door and he keeps talking about being persistant.

I didn't do good on my college apllications. I quit violin which I've been playing for a decade, I really don't know how to be persistant.