Dealing with my body almost a year pp

when i got pregnant i was 106 lbs and a size 0 my son is almost 11months old and im 135lbs with no clue what my size is. i’ve been trying this entire time to deal with how i look now and love myself and lose weight in a healthy way. for 4 months i was working out eating good and being consistent just to weigh myself after and realize instead of losing weight i gained some. last week i bought the first pair of shorts since i gave birth and i got a size 5 when i got home i tried them on and they wouldn’t even go past my butt. so i went back to the store and exchanged them for a size 9 because there’s no way im more than a size 9. well… when i got home i put them on and they went up and even buttoned but they squeezed me so tight. i was a size 0 and im more than a size 9 now. i know its not the end of the world and im so lucky and grateful to have a healthy baby and a happy family but sometimes it does feel like the end of the world. i feel so ugly. i feel like all ive ever had is my appearance and i have no goals i have virtually no future and now i dont even have my looks like i used to. i feel like when i was a kid and i had to suck in my stomach around everyone so id look like all my pretty skinny sisters. i just wish i had more with my life. i love my baby i love my husband but is this really it? as i gonna spend the rest of my life worrying about my size or my hair or my clothes because i have nothing else to busy my mind with. i’ve been to therapy already and im still going there’s just so much to work on so much to fix i don’t know if ill ever feel normal. i wish i would’ve worked on this before i had my baby. i think i made a mistake with all of this and i think im gonna waste away and give my life up and sit at home to raise my children then die after living a mundane life. i hope people here can understand because no one else will. i promise im a great mom and i love my baby and i do everything to care for him i just will never have myself back. i’m stuck with my husband and although i love him this is really it this is really the rest of my life and i can die at any moment and this would’ve been all my accomplishments