Feeling ashamed because I remember asking for it

I was raped by my uncle from the ages of 8-17. My parents were such good parents and really educated me about sex and consent, but despite this I never spoke up about what happened to me until my rapist died. My uncle always told me he would ruin my family's life if I spoke up and I really believed him. He also told me my family wouldn't believe me and it isn't rape because I asked for it and I liked it.

The thing is, I did ask for it, many, many, times. I realised that no matter what I did or where we were, he would find a way to touch me. So I started asking for it whenever I saw him to feel some control over when it happened. I would even be excited so he wouldn't punish me for being annoying and fighting back. Sometimes he would suggest things like bringing a friend, or filming me, and I would protest and tell him that I didn't want anyone but him to see me. That made him happy and it kept me safe.

I've been in therapy for most of my life now but this is the one thing I have trouble talking about. I didn't tell my therapist about it until last year, and I never wanted to speak about it again. I feel such a deep sense of shame and disgust. Sometimes I feel like I genuinely enjoyed what he did to me.