Breakup with fearful avoidant

So I just want to tell my story of how the breakup is and how I assume that the person who broke up with me is fearful avoidant after analysing what happened and what was going on. I want to get some advice later from maybe other fearful avoidants or anxiously attached people that experienced similar situation.

So I'll start from the whole beginning. My ex and I, who I assume was FA were dating for almost 2 years, and before that we were friends for about one in a half years and that friendship casually grew into the relationship. We fell in love completely with each other, we took care of one another and tried to help out whenever it was possible, and whenever we had an argument we tried to solve it through talking out, which was successful for most of the time, and it seemed like we would be able to last for a long time and we managed to plan a lot of stuff we'll do in a future together, until unexpected happened to me when my ex said that she wants to break up.

A little about her and me before I say what happened. Both of us are young, we are 18, this was her second relationship and this was my first one so I was experiencing a lot of new stuff in it and so did she as it was her first long-lasting one at our age. We did not have a lot of arguments, but when we did it was extremely difficult for her and usually occured due to lack of communication. She had quite a tragic past where she has a strong form of dermatitis for which she was bullied a lot when she was a kid and she had no friends and most of the time she spent growing by herself as her mom didn't want to see her and her dad lived and lives in a different country due to work. She remembers all the hurt from the past and has issues with today's mental health thinking she's "an ill girl who will never be loved" (that's what she told me multiple times when we were together). She had another tragedy when we were together, her mom died of cancer one in a half years ago and I can't even imagine what she felt because I never had experienced a loss of a family member, she got left completely by her own and had difficult times getting over it. I tried to support her as much as I could but I didn't know how like with most cases, I was the only support left for her and at that time she was extremely thankful for me trying my best. To an extent I understood the loss and cried with her over it. Even now I feel so bad for her. Her dad who is also an old person now and lives in another country, being 77 years old with lots of health issues who constantly puts pressure on her and blames her for everything and tells her off for every little mistake, did not gave any support to her. Even now as I write this, I can't think of it without tears because I can't even imagine how she felt and feels to this day. So with all of this I was the only emotional pillar for her which was also difficult for me, especially at the age of 16 and both of us living in different cities which are one hour ride away so we were only able to see each other in school and on the weekends. She also hated her body and the way she looked which also sparked some arguments between us.

Me myself also has some trauma, I'm Ukrainian and half of my family still lives in Ukraine, and as you probably know it's being bombarded every single day and I lived through realization of the world at a very young age, I was 13 when the war started and I have my own complexities because of it, I became more closed and serious after it. I grew up mentally too early for my age and that's what everyone tell me and with most of the issues I deal like an adult which had an affect in our relationship as I usually was more determined to work on solving issues rather than crying over them like she preferred to do. Btw my ex was Russian and it was extremely difficult for me to make my family accept her as my girlfriend, I've done a lot of work for that and now it's all gone.

I felt like I had to tell this so that you would understand the context better which is necessary to understand the part about breakup.

Five in a half weeks ago, in February on a casual Sunday, I received a message from her saying that we need to break up because she thinks it will be better for both of us. She said she doesn't want to explain or blame any of us for it, thanking for the great relationship we had and wishing good luck in the future. I was so speechless at that moment that I was not able to say anything, I was not even able to accept it and that day felt like it was not real.

Later that night, she explained why she decided to break up with me and it was a whole load of information I didn't expect to find out about what she experienced in our relationship. For me at that moment, most of it didn't make sense as I didn't see any of these due to it being hidden. She said that she feels lots of emotional pressure and this relationship has overwhelmed her emotionally so much that she can't handle it anymore. She blamed me for all of the things she felt saying that I did not support her emotionally enough despite me doing all my best to support her as much as I could even though I'm extremely bad at giving this type of support as I feel bad for the person but can't say anything due to simply not knowing what to say. She said that I did not treat her right as I could have insulted her by saying in extremely rare cases "stop acting like a bi*ch" but later apologizing sincerely. Well there were other examples were I did not how to react to her crashdown because I didn't want to watch heated rivalry with her which was a month before our breakup. I did crash out once on her, saying a lot of swears and insults during one of our arguments after she lost control and hit me, but after this incident I apologized so much and did so much to try and mitigate the hurt that she experienced from that and she said she forgives me and as long as I don't repeat it it's fine, and I never did repeat it. Turns out she memorized every bit of it. Besides not treating her right and not giving her enough of emotional support, she accused me of lying and hiding my communication with an old friend who was a girl and we were friends before I started dating my ex. So what my ex accused me of is lying for not telling her that I went to meet this friend 5 times and not 2 like I claimed, while in reality i met her 3 times and I accepted the blame for it and apologized. She also said that I deleted chats with that friend, despite never doing so, it was just a pure assumption that she made, yet she still accused me of it. Also before meeting this friend of mine that came to my city for holiday cuz she lives in another country, I asked my ex if she is alright with me meeting. She said yes its completely fine and it's not a big deal as we both know we are dedicated to our relationship and we love each other. During the breakup speech, ex told me that turns out she was almost forced to say she is alright with me meeting my friend, and if she said "no" I would have still done my thing and went on to meet her which is a completely wrong assumption because I always listened to my ex whenever she was against something. Turns out she wanted me to completely cut off contact with that friend but she was too scared to tell it to me directly and confront me for it, because I'm a type of guy who always stands on his position and protects his interests. Despite all of these fake accusations of me and that friend, I accepted the blame and said that I will cut off contact if that is going to help us save our relationship. I also accepted all the blame for other things when I pressured her to do something to improve on something or attempt new things, I accepted the blame for not giving her enough of support even though explaining that I simply cannot give enough of it through the text, moreover I have a complete lack of free time due to me studying all the time, and coming back home at 10 pm after all the after school learning, and I tried to explain this to her at that moment that its not because I didnt care but because I lacked the energy for the past 3-4 months and I'm extremely sorry for that. Oh she also said that I did not ask her how she's doing more in depth, but every single time when she was upset or worried I asked her if she's alright and was worried for her. And every time I asked her about if she is feeling okay and if there is anything she wants to tell me, I always got a response "yes, Im good don't worry", it got to the point where I stopped asking because I always got the same response about how she feels. Yet she still brought it up as my fault, which is partly mine, no doubt, and I get it. I also was slightly cold towards her for the past few months due to my overload with everything and exhaustion which probably affected her decision making as it probably looked like I'm getting detached from her while in reality I still loved her more than anyone. One of her main arguments was that she is constantly feeling guilt in this relationships for any small argument, for every moment when we were in dissagreement and for every time I was upset because of her, or for every time I had to make a compromise to make her feel better. Guilt is a major issue here and it will pop up later

So despite me not being in complete agreement with all of her points that she brought up I barely argued back and accepted the blame for everything she said, apologized and tried to win her back by saying "look, now I understand my mistakes, I understand what I did wrong, it's my first serious relationship about which I care, and I'm passionate about. Especially as we had so many plans for the future. I still love you a lot, you still love me a lot as you say so why don't we try again?". I promised to her that I would fix these things that hurt her, I will cut off contact with that friend because I get that its important. I literally said that I value your feelings the most and the issue we stand in front of is where most people fail and it can be fixed through dialogue and working on the relationship to improve them. So while I sound logical to myself and it's probably is logical she thought otherwise and still decided to break up believing it will be better for both of us (yet I did not know how it will be better for me).

A couple of days passed and she decided to reach out because she missed me, we talked for a bit, I asked if she wants to get back together and she said that she needs to make sure thats exactly what she wants in order not to make the mistake. Two days later she messaged me saying that she wants to get back and start everything again, we got back together and I started working very hard on our relationship. We agreed on new rules, new boundaries and things that are acceptable and not taking into account what happened before. I started working on cutting off contact with my friend and etc, it seemed like we are both interested in continuing because we love each other. And then after two days, on the last night of February, exactly one week since she messaged me that she wants to break up. She says once again that she made a wrong decision of getting back together and believes it will be better for her this time to get some space and work on herself. Because she still feels all of this pressure and guilt, but now she feels even more guilty because she had to tell me all of these issues and made me make compromises with my friends and other things. Once again I tried to get her back saying that all of this is fine and I'm willing to do whatever for her because I love her. She said she loves me too and its a difficult decision for her but she wants to find herself and thinks that being alone is better for her, as she believes that this relationship will bring her into a "dead end" and that all of the attempts to recover the relationship will not work out. She also said that even if they eventually may work out, she is scared that she is going to feel the same way. I asked her "what if you change your mind again later?" she said maybe she will, she doesn't know what she truly will want after some time "but I believe that it will be better for both of us to move on from this". On this point we went into no contact but it's not the end.

I still had some of her stuff left, like plates from the cake we made literally the day before she said "I want to break up" for the first time. What I want to say here is that there was completely no signs from her that she is preparing for break up, like the day before it happenned we were the happiest couple on earth, making a cake together, having some private moments and etc. So it was so unexpected for me that I was shocked to such a great extent that I was not able to believe it for some time. So after like 5 days after the second breakup I messaged her that I will bring her stuff to school for her to collect them back. She responded quickly but with the fewest possible words, as if she is trying to be as cold as possible. I asked her how she's doing and she said "good, you?" I responded with "I miss you" in response to which I got "I understand". I understood that she keeps distance and stuff and doesnt want to talk so I didnt pressure her more with texting.

I however made a fatal mistake later. So it was march 8 upcoming, the international women day. In Eastern Europe we celebrate this day a lot and usually men gift flowers to women they appreciate and value, so I decided to send her a flower bouquet through delivery to her house to make her feel valued and respected, not with the intention to get her back but with intention to make her feel cared of. The next day in school in my locker she left money with a sticky note on them saying "Please don't do it again". The same day later through text we had a tense conversation where I tried to explain why I did this and she distanced herself more by pushing me away completely saying that I don't value her feelings at all and that bouquet only shows that I'm an egoist trying to manipulate her to get back ignoring her emotions. Once again I apologized for making her feel that way, and promised not to bother her ever again, and said that if she ever wants to reach out she can do so, I'm open for discussion at any moment. Since then we did not contact each other at all and this tense discussion happened exactly 3 weeks ago from when I write this.

What I found weird, though, is that after the second breakup, she still maintained some contact for one in a half weeks through tiktok, then she stopped. For people who use this app, you probably know that there is this thing called fire streak and streak pet. So she kept on nudging me on there to maintain the streak, then she stopped which put me into a more desparate situation as she tried to remove all the contact, even the small one. She did not block me on any social media or delete any of our chats. She still speaks to my friends despite telling me before that she is talking to them only because they are my friends. A year ago she was also added to the group chat where me and my friends chatted, after the breakup she did not leave it and still stays in it up to this day and reads all our messages there but never types anything in it herself. So like what I find weird is that she was saying that it's like a final decision and we both need to forget about each other, but then she doesnt block me, she doesnt delete our photoes, she stays in the group chat with my friends and me despite never contributing in there after a breakup. Maybe it doesn't mean anything and it's just me overthinking and overanalysing everything like I always do, but it's not kind of things I would expect from a person who really wants to move on and forget about the past together.

After our breakup I started to get into it and thats when I found out that the the way she dismissed me is usually what fearful avoidants do and they do it not because they stop loving but because it gets emotionally too heavy for them. I'm extremely curious at the moment about this type of person and how they process everything and live through the breakup and if they ever want to come back after some time. Oh I also almost forgot to mention, so I'm a complete opposer of smoking, and my ex used to smoke a lot before we started dating, she was literally addicted to that vape, and seeing this I set a clear boundary that no smoking is allowed in our relationship (it was after she dropped smoking, she dropped half a year before we started dating). So why I'm mentioning this, with this boundary I once set a consequence for her if she returns to smoking, the consequence was more of a bluff than my real intention in case that happens. To one of my friends who asked a question, "what will I do if she starts smoking again?" I said that I will break up with her. He told it to her and she asked me if its true, I was too foolish at a time to admit that it was a bluff so I told her that "not exactly but I would consider breaking up". Why am I telling this? Because after our breakup I found out that she smoked rarely when she went out with friends and stuff and used to hide it from me, and I connected the dots slightly as it probably put a lot of pressure on her in our relationship being under this constant fear that if I find out she smoked even once I'm going to break up with her which I would obviously not do. But one of the things she mentioned during the second breakup is that she thinks she is not going to be able to tell all the truth and be completely open in our relationship, so I assume she talked about this partly. I also find it quite funny how she accused me of hiding, lying while doing literally the same thing, but Im not mad at her for this .

At the moment, we are in no contact as already said and for me it's extremely difficult, unbearingly terrible to keep it as I still love her so much and she just disappeared after such a long time of being together. I'm holding so much not to break the no contact because I promised her that I will not bother her again, and if I try to break it, she may distance herself even more because I don't respect her decision, which I really do in reality. Right now I'm stuck in a cycle after this breakup. The cycle is approximately one week before it repeats itself. At first I feel extrenely sad and depressed with barely holding myself not to break no contact, it usually lasts 2 days or so. During these 2 days I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot stop thinking of her, that's where I am right now again. Then I get emotionally overloaded with this and move onto the next stage of not caring which last for about a day or a day in a half. Then the next stage comes where I understand that i have to move on and leave it behind which also lasts for about a day in a half to two days. Then the last stage comes where I think "how can I forget and move on if I still love her?", I get a lil bit of hope for a day or a day in half, then understand that there is no hope left and thats when I fall into the start of the cycle, being depressed. I have no idea of how to get out of it, luckily I have supportive parents and they supported me attending a psychologist to get out of this state because my mental health is at the lowest right now from both studying overload and the broken private life.

Also we were supposed to have difficult times upcoming that were going to test our relationships, which is distance. She finishes school in one month, and goes to other European country to study in the university. We already had it planned out how it's going to work and how it's going to be dealt with and everything sounded promising. I talked through it with my parents and they supported me and her in the decision of staying together and trying to maintain the relationship at a distance. Many people do say that oh distance, these type of relationships don't work and stuff, but it's 21st century, the tickets in EU from one country to the other cost 30 euros there and back and the flights are done almost every single day from my city to the city she is planning to move to, and we already sort of experienced distanced relationship as we barely met in school due to being in different classes and only being able to spend time with each other on weekends, and whenever she dissapeared for 2 months holiday in summer. But where am I leading to with this is to understand better if, right now in no contact, her being an avoidant, with the fact of her moving to the other country stop her from trying to reach out and maybe try again. Because I don't know if for avoidants this would be a big deal, especially in our situation, where we have familiarity with this and had a lot planned out.

Right now I'm also planning on reaching out with no pressure with an offer to meet and just get the contact back, without discussing what went wrong, our relationships and stuff. But I don't know if enough of time has passed (it's been 3 weeks since the last contact) and if she will agree to this right now and if she ever will if I break no contact first after promising not ot bother her. What makes me want to do it is the fact that knowing her, even if she wants to break no contact she may be too scared to do so because of being afraid that I will react negatively after she dumped me 2 times and asked to maintain distance and knowing that she has to hide her smoking although I know about it, but I don't know if she already knows that I know about it, cuz my cousin turned out to be a rat and was leaking to her every bit of information I told him, so most likely she does know about me knowing but Im not sure about it. So here I'm stuck in deciding whether I should break no contact with the meeting offer or not. I also saw one of her recent tiktok reposts where it said "I knew we could never be together but I ignored it bc I wanted to enjoy his company for as long as I could". And that text hit me in the heart more and made an impression that she doesn't regret her decision at all and wants nothing to do with me at all, thinking that all of our relationship was a mistake.

I don't hate my ex and don't wish her bad things, I still love her and I'm stuck in this loop of thinking about her not being able to move on with not enough of answers and too many questions. So if you read to this moment, I appreciate you doing this, it matters to me a lot.

The last I could ask is for some opinions about the situation and what are the chances of her coming back? Are there also any suggestions for me in terms of what to do and how to deal with it because I feel so lost and depressed because of it.

Thank you