Need Help !!

I am a 53 year old male and want to share what I have been going through and to do that wanted to share a brief history taking you through my adolescence , youth ,middle age on to now !

Conservative small town upbringing , coed schooling and college , no girl friends and no steady relationships . Used to self pleasure from maybe 9 or 10 years old . Until the age of 24 years old remained a virgin , brief courtship and a love marriage when 25 years old . No premarital sex !

My wife turned out to have her fears and apprehension about intimacy due to a pelvic bone dysfunction hence no sex for almost 4 to 5 months after marriage and we had to see medical help . Even after that due to her inborn fear regarding the pain , she packed the passion and intercourse was never the way it was supposed to be .

Then due to career requirements we had to start a long distance relationship within one year of marriage in two different cities , and then countries . We used to meet a couple of months every year but conjugal relationship was always on the back burner.

in the meantime, I was becoming a maniac !! oversex drive , thought of sex all the time on my head , but never turned out to be a creep and rather turned to self pleasure , multiple times a day .

Iam tall , strapping and not so bad looking, and realised that if I do some talking women were willing to indulge me sexually . so multiple sex partners but nothing of the paid kind . I used to share my story and guess mostly taking advantage of the sympathy used to have a relationship starting with sexual intimacy and progressing to emotional .

all through my middle age , I was cheating and had multiple affairs . That's all I could think of , day in and day out . Added to this was the porn addiction in the night , scrolling sites like xHamster well into midnight and self pleasure multiple times a day .

My wife came to know about the affairs and needless to say there was hell to pay . I used to apologise ,promise I wouldn't but then it was just a matter of time before I couldn't say no to an interested women . In my high position in the career and social standing , there was no dearth to even woman less than half my age fawning over me .

womaniser - I wouldn't label myself that , as I was selective and never multiple extramarital. it always used to be a single lady , whom I would emotionally invest myself in and treat her like a queen and have had some of my most happiest moments with them .

As it's bound to be sooner or later the woman who by now were in love with me , realise that my emotional.connwvt with my wife was still on , we are sharing messages ,multiple calls in a day and so on. We the last 27 years have been staying in two different cities and long distance relationship is the only thing we are comfortable with and know of . sexual intimacy the last 6 to 7 years , I don't remember we ever doing it and the last 3 years even if we are together, we have different bedrooms !!

I was successful as a professional but then went into being an entrepreneur and have failed losing much money and in debts which I don't think I can repay . Looking back it's like I have nothing worth mentioning either as an achievement or financial success in during the last 34 years .

My last engagement was with a very bright young woman for almost 3 years and it's been one of the most fulfilling years of my life , I don't ever remember being so loved and so very happy . She felt that I have been trying to maintain both the wife and her and then she took a very brave step of reaching out to my wife and spilling the beans of how Inhave been bitching about the wife to her and using her !!!

I don't think I need to share what would have happened . So here I am now at my lowest , unable to face anyone or anything,. Haven't stepped out of the house for a month now . Thoughts of ending my life has been far and frequent but my aged parents are there and they are totally dependent on me emotionally and financially. My dogs who think the world of me . I can't see anyone else who would be affected by my demise .

what is not stopped is my addiction to porn , I still need to see nude sites , videos , have camera to camera calls , body to body massages and self pleasure . I haven't had any avenue for physical intimacy for more than 5 months now .

Iam lost but I am not the victim , I am responsible for these consequences

apologies for the long mail and if you have read through from start to finish , grateful for your time

what do I do ??