I feel awful

Hi everyone, I just want to vent about my feelings. Lately, my mental health has been getting worse. Something bad happened to me, a very painful experience and it completely changed me, the way I think and behave.

I’ve been experiencing severe anxiety. When I wake up in the morning, I feel anxious and scared, and my heart starts beating very fast. It feels like I can’t calm down. I try to comfort myself that everything is going to be okay, but it doesn’t work. It got so worse to the point that I told my family about it, and they were being supportive. They couldn't help much, but at least they tried. Even so, I still feel lonely deep inside me, I'm not sure why. I always tell myself that God is there for me, and I should be grateful for whatever I have right now.

Sometimes I start thinking deeply about my life (present and future), and dark thoughts come into my mind. I begin to think negatively, and it affects my emotions. I know people say, “Just stop thinking about it” or “Try to relax,” but I just can’t. Even if I manage to calm down for a moment, it only lasts a few seconds before the negative thoughts come back again.

Since I graduated, I have been waiting for my exam results. Right now I am stuck at home. Sometimes, being in my home feels like prison for some reason. I feel trapped. But going outside also feels scary. I don't know how to explain it.

I can't afford a private psychologist. Gov psychiatric clinic doesn't want to help me. So I gave up. I feel sad, lonely and hopeless.