What is happening to me? (CPTSD, hypersexuality, emotional chaos, I feel out of control) 21f

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I don’t even know how to start this properly, but I really need someone to understand what I’m going through.

Since childhood, I’ve always been a very sensitive person. But over time, I went through constant bullying, disrespect, and abuse. (There was also sexual abuse it wasn’t constant but happen for long period of time idk what im saying, actually i don't wanna say it here its embarrassing, ( i fucking wanted it) 🙂 i was super hyper sexual in childhood i stilll dont know it was like a ghost in my brain who wanted it but it affected me deeply. I remember feeling extremely helpless, crying, and completely broken from it.

Back then, as a child, I didn’t understand why these things kept happening to me. I internalized it and started turning things against myself. I would punish myself, and in a strange way, the pain felt so good like i deserve it . I didn’t know how else to cope. this all till now happened in past like hurting myself and abuse and bullying

Now it’s been around 10 years since all that started, and throughout these years I’ve noticed big changes in myself.

I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore ,not my past self, not who I am right now. I don’t feel like I have clear boundaries. I feel dissociated from reality a lot of the time, like I’m not fully here.

It’s like my mind has no “ground state.” There’s no stable version of me everything feels blurry, shifting, and hard to hold onto. ( my mum told me someday i would tell you how to handle yourself becuase of my constant rage issues) she's helping but if i want it or not its on me

At the same time, I’m constantly scared especially of male touch and closeness. My brain feels like it has completely changed. My fight-or-flight response is always active,( so much from last year its on peak constant through out the day) like I’m stuck in survival mode. My emotions are extremely unstable ,even a small trigger and I react instantly. It feels like chaos inside me all the time.

Academically, I’m struggling because my brain is rarely present. This has been happening since school 🤣 I zone out a lot, and people think I don’t care or I’m not paying attention, but it’s not intentional. I just can’t stay grounded.

At the same time, I’ve become very hyperactive. My behavior sometimes feels out of control.

In my last situationship, things ended because I became too needy and demanding. I constantly wanted sexting and sexual interaction. I feel embarrassed even writing this. He told me I was “too much” and “too raged.” At the same time, he was talking to multiple other girls and wasn’t over his ex but still, I know I crossed boundaries and I take responsibility for that. ( at some point i realises he wasn't using me for his sexual needs but i was using him day nd night😶 )

The thing is, it feels like if I don’t get sexual stimulation, I go almost crazy. Like I need it for dopamine or something. My behavior during that time was honestly out of control. ( my body was reacting ughh so irritating)

What confuses me more is that I’m also bold and confident. I don’t usually feel fear in a normal way but at the same time, I’m internally anxious and unstable. It’s like two opposite sides exist in me.

Also my emotional state feels like water it doesn’t hold shape, no boundaries. Whatever I feel, I express instantly and intensely. My family has noticed this too I overreact quickly, I shout, scream, and I genuinely struggle to control myself in those moments.

Sometimes I clench my teeth, feel restless, almost like an addict craving something. I don’t fully understand what I am or what’s happening to me yet.

The weird part is I’m also mostly a funny, chill person otherwise. ( I've lot of friends, so many to support me but only my home people know real me 😇 , i dont where to start am i visible

But underneath that, there’s this constant adrenaline, this constant intensity in my body that I don’t understand.

Why am I like this? Is this CPTSD? Emotional dysregulation? Something else?

I just want to understand what’s happening to me.

thank u if u took your time to answer this but this alk getting out of hands im so stupid, ex guy called me crazy so i thought why not research my behavior