I’m letting my bipolar 1 ruin my life

I’m 24 and I’m doing absolutely terrible at managing my bipolar. I’ve been hospitalized, had my meds stabilized, upped meds, and got clean and it still wasn’t enough to help me. I’m ruining my life genuinely. I’m so broke, I feel like shit, I cheated on my boyfriend, talked to my ex, and relapsed. I am stuck feeling unreal and like nothing matters. Not in a depressed way— more of an unhinged way. I don’t feel the full force of the consequences following my recent actions. The worst part is all I want right now is to get high. My boyfriend is suicidal and I feel like the worst person in the world. But also I’m thriving from the feeling of being on edge I don’t know what the FUCK I’m doing ?????