if it wasn’t haram i would’ve already comittted

so sorry if this ruined anyone’s mood, I just had no where to turn to and I feel distraught. Like nothing in my life is ever going well or maybe it will never go well. my family life isn’t great, none of my friends probably even care about me and it’s not like i’ve made much of an impact on the world that anyone would miss me. In fact, I think that leaving this world would make it a better place for those who knew me. If Allah hadn’t made it haram then I would already be gone from this world, that is truly the only thing stopping me, because I don’t want to cause my family the trouble of my funeral, or traumatize them with my dead face and I don’t want to face eternal punishment from Allah.

it’s difficult for me pray tahajjud because I was never properly taught how to pray it and I can’t wake up at night since my mother would definitely notice or hear and think that I am doing something that I am not supposed to be and just yell at or hit me again. I just wish I knew what to do and how to fix my life. I haven’t even lived half of it and it already feels like I’ve lived through it all.