3 Years and Counting

An old therapist once suggested writing down my feelings once in a while. Today, I was gonna put down a new one and I realised ridiculous shit has gone down in my psyche. Thought I'd share my perspective in the past 3 years with all of you.

15/11/2024: Life just seems so boring these days, there's nothing going on, no turmoil, no drama, just mediocrity. A part of me even thought I'd rather be back at 15 getting my ass beat. There's nothing to do, nothing special.

Friends are moving away, figuratively. Tried to build a close relationship with her, but that went as well as I predicted. It's not her fault, but yeah, I told her this would be the case once she gets into something. The other one is just losing its shit on a regular basis, somehow I need to swear my allegiance like it's a chore now.

But all in all, it's like I've been relegated to a side character, nothing is going on in my life. The 18 years of hell feels like it was 100 years ago, but I have nothing to show for these 100 years. She spoke about him giving her a jolt of happiness, I want that, I want a lot of things. I don't think it's in my hands, like who would want to be that special person for a robot.

I haven't felt anything real for a while, maybe disappointment for some exam fuck ups, maybe self doubt in regards to who I truly am. I got tears in my eyes from watching GOG 3 and that's the only "real" tears I've had in years. It's a given I suppose, nothing normal was gonna come out of that household. Wanting to off yourselves out of pure boredom is a new low for me.

The lack of validation and attention from someone is actually getting to me, never thought this day would come. But it's here, and I'm dealing with it? Maybe, I'm just letting the issue shadow me wherever. I don't even know if I genuinely like someone. The constant state of deprivation of attention has created some kind of new low, the bar is attention. Whether I like them or not doesn't really matter.  Like scraps to a dog.

24/12/2025: And now I know love. It is funny, for a year ago I wouldn't imagine that I'd ever be in this position. But now I'm here, and it fucking sucks. One woman is able to invade my thoughts, make me feel pathetic, but yeah, not intentionally. She has no clue, she doesn't know I'm still thinking of her. She probably thinks I've moved on, and trust me, I've tried.

But it doesn't work the way you want to. I want her, everything she was, but she's not mine anymore. Her debut in my life is a cruel joke to make me aware of what I'm missing out on and it's incredibly effective. Love is a concept I was willing to bet on when it was with her, now it's nothing.

That's a cliche, everything's a cliche. Everything till this point is a goddamn cliche, but I guess I'll keep trying, don't know for what, don't know if it will make me forget about her. If I'm to be an optimist, I'll think of someone better, but I've never been that guy, so I'll still keep thinking of her, like a punishment for my hubris, but, alas I'll see, I'll see what the world has to offer, for they have to compete with the love that never was.

02/04/2026: And then there was none. So I had my chance, I had her, and then I didn't. Not her fault really, never was, this was my fuck up. She was everything I imagined her to be. But I couldn't keep up with the bare minimum. I told her my feelings faded, but I'm not convinced of that excuse either. I had her heart in my hands and I threw it away.

She deserved better, I got exactly what I deserved though. I always thought it would work out for me, usually it's somebody else at the wheel before it all goes to shit, but now, I am. I screwed it for myself, and in the end, I've had some level of self realisation. I'm not a good person, empathy is a myth for me, unless it's self serving.

I used to blame my upbringing and my villains for who I was, but I don't think I can afford to do that anymore. To be honest, I don't really have to. I had this nagging feeling at the back of my head that I lack the ability to form meaningful relationships. With each relationship, I tried to convince myself otherwise, but now I'm forced to agree with the proposition.

But that's fine, no one should be with someone so shallow and damaged? Can't find the right word. Alas, bad cards I've been dealt a few, worse cards are usually on the horizon. At least this time around I won't hurt someone else in the process.