I feel like I’m losing my mind after this breakup

I miss him so much I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. One moment I hate him (why did he ruin everything??) and then I hate myself and feel so guilty (why didn't I try harder??)

the next I’m crying over his absence I want to hear his voice again, to be in his arms again. I want to tell him how much I love him, even though he hurt me. I want to keep supporting him and loving him. I stil has so much love to give I wanted to give it all to him.

I regret breaking up, but he wasn’t taking a clear position… even though he was the one who hurt and betrayed me. And despite that, I still wanted to try.

I don’t know what to do. It’s been days and I keep going in circles. My life feels empty and meaningless. I wake up thinking about him and I fall asleep thinking about him. I try to reassure myself, but I end up feeling worse every time.

At the beginning of the breakup, I thought I was okay. I even felt relieved, because staying with him was making me sick because I had to accept his lies I was so anxious. But now I feel even worse I feel like I abandoned him, he told me he was afraid I would leave… but at the same time, he wasn’t taking actions to actually keep me I was trying alone i felt humiliated and now I regret everything. I miss him so much.

Maybe I should have waited for him to make a decision. I listened to my ego and broke up because I felt humiliated. Why was he the one deciding while I was just waiting, when I was the one who got hurt? Why was he doubting his ability to not hurt me again?

why I keep blaming myself I am tired.

And I still love him so much, so deeply. I miss him so much. But if I go back, I’ll feel even more humiliated… especially after he just replied (okay, I understand and respect your decision, take care) to my breakup message 💔

What am I supposed to do? I feel so alone and broken. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I’m not okay. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t know what to do.