I've broken up with my boyfriend impulsively fer the final time. (rant I'm sorry)

My boyfriend(25) and I(24) dated fer 2 years. We were each other's first everything and I'm having a bit of a hard time. We broke up last week because of a conversation we've had time and time again. I'm black and he's white.

We talked about his insecurity on his race being pointed out by folks, black people specifically. The way he would describe it, it's like the common jokes about white people that you usually hear people make, like the no seasoning stuff, can't handle spicy food, or saying anything about him being white in general i guess. I've never been around when other people make those comments because it seems like it's usually at work, so idk the dynamic between them really. He also had a problem with how I would talk about white people (i.e. I walk into a room or something and be like ewww white people, in a joking manner i might add). I can understand him not liking those comments and him not being too comfortable with what I say with him being white and all, but it was like he was comparing his experiences to the black experiences. He was like racism on both sides isn't okay, but it's like he thinks black folks are only made fun of fer being black. We've talked about race many times before and I've explained things about past slavery to present violent racism against black folks but it never felt like he was actually listening to me really. Like it was some story that I was telling; it never felt like he took anything seriously. I also found it weird and hypocritical how he wanted to make jokes about black stereotypes but didn't wanna hear about those jokes of white folks. He wasn't like that all the time though, he and my brother would go back and forth with them, i just didn't participate because I didn't like them. I could understand a bit how he felt about his skin being called out, but honestly it was the comparison that always ticked me off and blew me up.

I've recently come to figure out that I have an avoidant personality. Like diving deeply into it. I only started saying how I feel out of my mouth because I've hurt him by not doing so. I've made progress but very slowly because I'm only just working through my childhood trauma at my big age lol. I never felt that my emotions mattered to anyone anyway so I just stopped saying anything. You knowwww the whole 'children should be seen and not heard' type thing. Not to even mention the emotional distance i felt from my parents. I've carried this my whole life and being in this relationship actually made me face it because he's an emotional dude and those tendencies racked up his overthinking. He's the only person I've ever truly felt close to even though I literally have best friends off over 10 years. I'm searching fer threading to help, as doing this by myself obviously isn't the move even though I would rather be independent.

I've broken up with him 5 times (including this one) because of the same race conversation but I've also come to the conclusion that in most of those break ups was that it felt like he didn't listen to me. Like he would hear me but he'd skip over words or something and come up with his own conclusion of whatever i was saying. He'd push forward with that conclusion and I'd get so mad and try to leave the conversation because i don't want to say anything i would regret because i am impulsive, usually by just hanging up abruptly after i express i don't wanna talk about it anymore about a million times. He just kept wanting to talk about it which i responded to by saying I wanna break up. It's the same thing each time. I'm impulsive af and I know that's super toxic. He's told me about how he doesn't like how i just break up with him willy nilly and I don't like it either but idk why it feels like it's the first thing that comes out after these disagreements.

But we've broken up, about a day after, I asked if we could talk. Mainly because I wanted to talk about what happened the day before, not necessarily to get back together. He ignored me fer a week. It was going to be our 2 year anniversary but we were broken up so I sent a long text about how I enjoyed our time even through the fights and everything and I thanked him fer showing me love that I could actually feel. He texted me back with our 1 year anniversary pictures and how he loves me too but that he needed time to calm himself and was planning to actually say anything to me after a month. Honestly it's so much more to say but we started texting a friends (i asked if we could) and basically he said that since I've broken up with him so much he's already grieved our relationship so he's more okay. I could understand that point honestly but it hurt that he made it seem like he wanted me to get over it so quickly to sort out the awkwardness. I can say that i probably deserve it fer breaking his heart that many times and my other avoidant tendencies. I've never iced him out though. I would've never waited a month to have a conversation. A couple of days to think maybe but even then I still talked to him, just not about that conversation. I guess that time apart would've been better though idk.

He wants to be friends, he was calling me bestie and stuff and trying to joke. I don't think I can be friends though, especially with the way that he still thinks. I still love him so deeply fr, but a relationship is out the window after we talked. I just don't feel like i can get over the stuff he said, it's like a switch flipped. But yeah, I wanted to rant. I'm going to focus on being a better person now that I actually have a plan. I've always felt super lost in life in general, but after this I know that i actually have to get outside help instead of trying to fix myself with my own broken mind.

Advice would be really helpful if you have any. Criticism would also work lol, I'm already critical of myself anyway. If any clarification is needed, I'll provide it; i have left out a lot of things, i just didn't want this to be a research paper. Thank you fer reading💜