Trying for number 2 - feel like an axe is hanging over my head

Hi friends.

I have a lot of great things going for me. Ridiculously sweet 21-month-old, a strong partner in my husband, was promoted last month at work, and just fulfilled my years-long desire to have a few backyard chickens.

I'm having a hard time enjoying the moment I'm in, as since the beginning of the year, we have been trying for number 2. I want to have another, I am deeply sure of it and have reflected enough that I don't think I want to put it off a few years - that still leaves it as something future me has to deal with. I do, however, DREAD the 18 months basically of being pregnant and postpartum. I did have bad morning sickness, just overall hated being a pregnant person, and postpartum kicked my butt like nothing in my life ever has. We've been doing really well since our daughter was about 12 months, and I have this fear of messing it up. I feel like I powered through last time, but my inner reserves feel a bit worn down. I have a better appreciation now for what it means to bring a new human into the world. I feel older, my shoulders ache at night from picking up my kiddo, and work and other life obligations feel like they have taken my full bandwidth.

Anyways, all these feelings and this trying to conceive have me feeling like an axe is ready to drop over my life. Like, I basically need to be ready to be fully consumed by mom-ness for the next 2-3 years until we're through itty baby times. I haven't been able to plan anything 'fun' or to take time away from work because whenever I think of something to plan for, I just think "well, maybe you'll be pregnant then and you won't feel up to it."

Not really looking for anything specific, just wanting to commiserate with folks who may have felt similarly.