Everything sucks

I cannot stand having this stupid disorder. I got to the point where I can tell when I’m splitting, but now I just WANT to split and wallow in the feeling, so I don’t do anything to get myself out of it.

I’m angry at my boyfriend (who also has BPD) for picking fights with me and enjoying arguing with me. He’s on a work trip right now. Him being gone made me angry enough that I don’t even want to be with him anymore, lol. Whoever said “absence makes the heart grow fonder” did not have BPD. When you’re gone, my heart goes “actually you would be better off without that prick.”

Plus I’m jealous. That makes it so much worse. He has such a good time gaming with his friends. I can always hear him laughing in the next room when he games. Like deep belly laughter. And when we game together it’s like he’s bored.

But again. I’m splitting. It physically hurts to admit he’s great at putting in effort, and that I also enjoy arguing, and that I pick games to play that he doesn’t find as fun… because I want to hate him right now.

I want to leave the house for hours without my phone and make him come looking for me. I want to ignore him until he gets scared I’m going to break up with him. I want to make him realise he shouldn’t upset me.

But that’s BPD for you. And I want to get better! So I’m gonna sit here and cry and get angry and then cry again until I stop feeling bad. Cheers.