I regret getting married to such an older man at such a young age.

So I met my husband at 19. He was 43. Out to celebrate his birthday, actually. I was an exotic dancer and he was celebrating with his buddy. We met in 2019, just before covid.

I have a lot of issues from my childhood and had a lot going on in my relationship at the time. My boyfriend had just asked for a 3some with his ex (super fucked up) and my mom was cheated on and abused in front of my by my father my whole childhood. They both left me with issues when it came to men. I had also been so influenced by Lana del Rey and her daddy kink so an older man seemed cool.

The issue is, I have never been attracted to him. Ever. But I didn’t have any way to pay my bills when covid started since the club was closed and he being much older, had savings and was able to get me through covid. I’m sure anyone reading this remembers how scary it was the first few months when nobody knew how deadly covid would be and everyone was trapped inside. So I just kinda stayed with him.

Fast forward a few months and we were 7 months into a relationship and I got pregnant. I know, stupid, but I love my children and am glad I had them. To be fair, he really made it seem like we would be moving into a house and his business was doing great. So I thought we’d have a nice little house to raise them in.

But after covid was sorta over and my baby was little, we were still in this tiny ass apartment. And I had NO help. None. I still never have help from any friends or family. I had no car, help, and my dad had told me my whole childhood to stay together for the family.

We finally moved into a small house we rent per me demanding it a few years into our relationship and I got pregnant with twins since I was raised to stay for the kids. Again, I’m not claiming to be a genius, but I was 22 so cut me some slack.

Now at 25, my kids are 5, 2 and 2. I feel like my brain is finally sorta maturing and I’m seeing how creepy and weird it is that he got a 19 year old pregnant. I’m by no means a vicim, I was a consenting adult but still… creepy. I’m no more attracted to him than I was when we met. But now I am really considering leaving. Just figuring it out and making it work. My sister wants me to live with her for a while until I get on my feet by myself.

To top off the creepy age difference, he’s pretty controlling and has always told me I dress weird and too young, but I am young. It just feels unfair that he got to have his youth but doesn’t want me having mine. He’s also racists. Calling my aunt the n word and saying he doesn’t want my children knowing they’re part japanese and black, only white. I look white and mostly am but I’m not going to deny the asian and black parts wither, as they’re part of my dna.

So I guess what I’m asking is, if anyone has been through anything similar or been through a divorce due to similar issues, what is your advice? Am I wrong to leave?