Memories

ill try to sleep but I just remember you.

the first time I heard the song it was because you ran off for several hours after an argument and I was begging you to come home, you said you were lost and I fought to find you even after you made it clear you wanted to be out there. by the time I found you we started walking and talking, there was a closed bar that was still playing music I sat bc I was out of breathe and you sat next to me. the song kept playing and I felt it in my chest trying not to cry . I understood it so deep in that moment. I said "let's not play city hide and seek unless it's on good conditions and terms" and you agreed. but we never did, it was always so negative. and youd run, and blame me and say I was blaming you. I just wanted us to understand each other. youd be gone for so long I'd think you were cheating if we weren't on the phone the entire time, even if just arguing or me crying while your mad.

some nights I'd walk into the city and pray someone would put me out of my misery and other nights youd go to the kava bar after promising youd quit and move to something healthier like tea.

I don't hate you, I still very much so love you. I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. you seriously tucked me up mentally and then pinned it all on me.

did you ever actually love me? I could've sworn you did up until the day after I left when we made that promise and that flip switched. I would have stayed and endured the abuse. part of me still would. I miss my husband, the man I married. I know I'm no longer the girl you married, you killed her. but I'm like hed just stronger and more composed. closer to how you were before you ended up killing the girl I was, the girl you married.

please reach out to me.

your birthday is coming up and I know I'm not strong enough to not call you to wish you happy birthday.

please, I'm sorry