About four months ago I posted here and now it's worse.

Honestly, I've been thinking about this for a long time now. Originally, my worst thought was that I wasn't planning on making it to 30. I just couldn't see myself living passed that due to how much of a failure I am in life. I'm 26 and at this point, I'm fucked up enough to realise I won't make it to 27. I have a close family member that's also on the brink and the rest of my family knows about it. I'm making this family member's life hell by existing and being the fuck up that I am, I can't tell anyone in my family how close I am to walking away and offing myself. I can't do that to this family member. I don't have my Matric, I'm struggling to find work, I'm overall just a burden that isn't worth it, they'd be better off without me. Closer to the larger branch of our family, more time on their hands and overall less stress. Even if I got a solid job between now and my birthday, it's not worth it. I guess in a way I'm slowly going to type my good byes out and hope that afterwards I'm still not as much a burden as I am now. My parents truthfully should have never kept me.