I have come to realise my wife emotionally abuses me. I’m exhausted. Where to?

Long short,

Together for 12 years.

My wife and I recently had our second child. (I understand postpartum is a factor).

In the last few years I’ve felt something was off, not necessarily wrong but in my gut I felt something about us was different… I felt flat or disassociated from myself at times. And I’d always blame myself, “You have a good life and good wife, get your shit together”.

In the last few months I’ve realised something is wrong and still blamed myself, as if I was going through something mentally and needed to get over it.

In the last 4-6 weeks, I’ve realised my wife’s treatment of me is not normal and I began calling it out. She is incredibly defensive. These conversations resulted in her effectively doubling down or minimising, blame shifting, DARVO to a tee.

My counsellor suggested I do an emotional abusive quiz and I realised my wife has been very covertly emotionally abusing me. In a way I don’t think she saw it either. But a lot of it is a choice to impact me. This has come at a massive mental load the realisation.

Her covert behaviour has been terrible, weaponising my kids hurt or pain into my fault, attacking my expression of feelings. Put downs. Criticising. Battering me when she knows I’m emotionally weak. Minor name calling. Denial. Minimising… etc

Ive spoken with her about it all, it initially resulted in defence. She’s been crying a lot of late (I’ve almost NEVER seen her cry in 12 years), and it’s been very hot and cold. She’s hyperventilating but then I give in, in some way and she magically stops. Or a friend calls her and she flicks that switch. I can’t help but fear the tears are her last tactic, because they work.

Verbal conversations result in her crying and verbally lashing out or having an outburst. Let alone the covert abuse tactics.

She later text me saying she finds it easier to communicate there, she acknowledged her treatment of me at times. She refuses to label it emotional abuse (but I understand labels aren’t important). She acknowledged her behaviour likely stems from her childhood and wants to change it. She’s reading “say what you mean” and intends to see a counsellor after her mum leaves (2-3 weeks). But she defines it as poor and or toxic communication. I’ve explained to her that it’s SO much deeper, it’s how she views me as a person in this relationship. She’s said the highest she can see this is “emotionally toxic”, I don’t believe she truely sees HOW bad her behaviour is.

The issue is I have tried so hard and have shrunk myself in this marriage for 12 years. I told her I emotionally have nothing left in me to give her that isn’t entirely at my expense. So I’m very switched off and numb at the moment and need to sleep in the other bed but she’s a crying wreck if I say I need that boundary.

I also don’t believe she is ready (or capable) of the change I need to feel comfortable and safe. Or if she is, it isn’t in time to save our marriage. She’s said a lot of “my biggest fear is that you will leave me and I don’t want a broken home for our kids”, (her childhood) and I feel guilted. I don’t believe they’ll have a broken home if we are mature co-parents. MY biggest fear is a home with parents who are unhappy together (saw my parents do it) and parents that stay together for their kids. Depriving their children a happy home.

Due to my emotional abandonment and torment I have realised I’m in and the last 4 weeks of attacks. I have done a bad thing. For the last two weeks, a friendship of mine has pushed over a line to an emotional situation-ship. And whilst I don’t defend it, I believe it happened because of what I lacked emotionally and I was at rock bottom. Nothing physical has happened but there is an emotional connection. I’ve since stepped back from this friend. If not for my marriage but for my own clarity so I don’t question my intentions to not being happy in my marriage.

I do not know where to. I fear I cannot see past some of the absolutely vile things my wife has said and done (even my counsellor agreed they are indefensible) but I feel a sense of guilt due to HOW I’m here.