Toxic family members

Hi all!

I have had high functioning depression since I was 12 years old. Two attempts under my belt. After I moved out of my house to university, things felt so much lighter.

I come from a very toxic household, nothing I have ever done in my life has ever been enough for my parents or extended family. I am the academic child, so there’s a lot of pressure put onto me.

I had to move back in with my parents after graduating and my mental health has plummeted drastically since. I can’t afford my own place, a graduate salary is mere pennies so I feel stuck.

Every single day is a fight, a screaming match, swearing name calling. My dad is a very angry man. My mum is obsessed with image, body image.

I have two sisters, both of whom are tall 5’8ish girls and are very slim. They aren’t sporty or anything, they just are naturally slim and tall girls. And they are absolutely beautiful, I’ll give them that. I, on the the other hand, am 5’2 and definitely not slim. I’m 78kg which is quite overweight for my height. This is constantly the joke in my house. Me, my appearance, my weight.

They will frequently calculate my BMI just to laugh with eachother, make consistent jokes about my body and how it looks. They will order food to the house, but purposely not offer me any and when I ask it’s “you’re fat you don’t need it” they comment on anything I eat. It is a constant battle not to cry because when I do cry I am a freak and they are just joking so it doesn’t matter.

My parents, grandparents will also consistently poke at my weight. They’ll hold up my jeans and make comments like “I can’t believe you are this size” they comment on my portion sizes. They will squeeze my belly and talk about how fat I feel. My mum always loves to say “just think how beautiful you would be”

Even when I was 60KG, I was still too big just because I didn’t look exactly like my sisters.

My parents place so much pressure on me to run the house while they work as the oldest, and I do, but my sisters run around like I am their maid. And when the house is still messy, it is always my fault.

I am just miserable. Being here drains the life out of me. Nobody has ever loved me just for me, the way I am, without encouraging me to change everything about myself. And it is incredibly damaging and draining.

I have tried multiple times to raise this issue but being real, nobody cares. This house is going to be the death of me.

Also before the comments come about my weight and it being in my control, I am on weight loss injections and I am actively losing weight. When I go into a real depressive episode, I don’t leave my bed and I restore to sweet food to comfort me. It’s easy to put on the weight when this is my coping mechanism.