my dumbass posted this twice but forgot to spoil something things correctly so third time’s the charm. i hope. 

\>!bio dad left 12 years ago. he’s legally a missing person but he was a bum even when he was around!< my mom’s long term bf has been around longer than my dad, and has started referring to himself as my dad since i went to college. i graduated but that stayed. he gets upset when i refer to my bio dad as such. thinks i’m honoring him. 

\>!my dad was a fucking bum but he designated all his hatred to my mom (sadly)!< at least he never >!touched me inappropriately!< like my mom’s bf does. has done since i was in high school. 

i lowkey thought i was making shit up until last month when he scrambled away the moment he heard my mom leave the shower. i always freeze whenever >!he touches me. there’s been times i slap his hand away because i’m so fucking terrified his hand will swoop lower and lower. but he brings his hand up my shirt, touching my bra!< and i’m just like ???? he also >!put his hand down my neck last week!< and i was scared at the thought of him doing that when he went to drop me off near the station to hang with my friend and i just didn’t do anything. i like affection sometimes. he also said he hated my makeup when my mom showed her a selfie when i went on a date with some guy >!who also ended up fetishizing me!< and i think it’s the notion of going on a date? but he also let me vent about the guy afterwards so i don’t know. 

i got >!molested!< in elementary school. my mom knows, we don’t really talk about it, but the hatred in her voice whenever we do talk about it remains. i don’t wanna imagine what she’d do if i ever tell her about her >!handsy bf!< she also doesn’t know that time when her bf asked to follow me on ig and forgot to clear his search history and it was full of >!soft core porn accounts!< her anger is just. i don’t even know why she stays with him. not blaming her, >!she just has trust issues stemming from her own depressing past with men!< and is kind of cold. not with me though. 

i hate this. sometimes i pretend it’s not happening to me. the bad experiences with men overweigh the good ones. but i like yearn to be w a guy sometimes and it makes me sick. >!i wish i took my mom’s suggestion to do therapy last summer when i broke down and cried because a new guy friend asked if i was a virgin and it brought back unwanted memories from elementary school!< 

my friend jokes that i only attract weird men and she’s right. 

feeling kinda ugh. yogurt bowl