I just want him back

I don’t wanna keep doing this. Analysing to see if I missed things. Thinking all I was doing was moaning at him. Questioning if he was happy when I knew he was when he was here and having no evidence in my brain. I just want the good and I want it to feel like enough for him. I just want my life back. We were Literallt half of each other. How did I miss so much. How can you think of him long for him and feel like you can’t remember the exact state or feeling it was like to have him here. How much more pain do I have to go through to get to the other side. He was my soul dog. How can he just never be here again? I didn’t get to soak it in nothing. Give him a great last day and they say the pain gets quieter, what if it doesn’t? I just want to give him a cuddle I’m so over all of this. Trying to understand if what I done translated to love. It’s just a mess.