I was the long-term affair partner to a narcissistic man for 3 years and I still miss him even though he used and abused me. How do I move on?

I’m a beautiful, - and not in a subtle way, successful, smart married woman in a sexless marriage. Men hit on me all the time, I’m saying this because it boggles my mind how I let this man manipulate me for so many years, For 3 years I was the secret affair partner to a narcissistic army veteran (now in finance) who lived with his girlfriend the entire time.

From the beginning he pursued me aggressively while already in that relationship. He love-bombed me with intense talks, drunk vulnerability (stories about his abusive mother, jail dad, PTSD), and sexual chemistry that felt addictive. He had a strong cuckold kink and used my marriage as part of it.

But the reality was one-sided and exploitative. I paid for almost everything: hotels, food, alcohol, gave him $7k cash, helped with career contacts and deals. I was his emotional dumping ground, career advisor, and “ride-or-die” confidant. Sex was often mechanical, degrading (called me “slut,” minimal aftercare, withholding oral unless I forced it). He punished me with coldness and silence whenever I tried to set boundaries (the lobby incident where I waited for him and he refused to come down with the “no personal time” excuse still haunts me). Every breakup, he got colder and meaner, then hoovered with beautiful words or crises. He never left his girlfriend. I was the hidden, high-value supply he used for excitement, validation, money, and kink while she provided stability.

I finally blocked him everywhere after another cycle of him ignoring me, then sending guilt-trippy messages and kink demands. I even called him recently when I saw on LinkedIn he left his job , classic trauma bond pull.

Now I’m in deep withdrawal: obsessing, missing the intense “good” moments (drunk charisma, the way he made me feel desired), feeling repulsed and ashamed, and still jealous of his girlfriend even though I know she got the polished version while I got the raw abuse.

The secrecy makes the grief worse. No one knows what I went through. I feel stupid for giving so much while being hidden and used.

Has anyone been the affair partner to a narcissist (especially while still married) and actually healed? How long did the obsession last? How did you stop checking and missing him? Any advice for the shame and the “I still love parts of him” feeling?

Thank you for reading. I just needed to say it out loud somewhere.