Life is feeling like a void !!!

A lot of things are going on in my life lately.

My dad had a brain stroke and has been on bed rest for the last 6 months. I’m stuck in a low-paying role with a toxic work culture. My mom is still working, but I want to give her a good retired life. My girlfriend broke up with me last year and is probably getting married by the end of this year. I’m trying to get a better offer, but somehow I’m unable to. I guess I don’t blame the job market, because I am getting interviews but I’m not doing my best. I’m not able to focus or study.

Lately, I’m not feeling like myself anymore. I’m currently working from home due to the medical emergency at home. For the past 6 months, every day I wake up and say “Good morning” to my dad, and he responds by nodding. I haven’t heard my dad’s voice in 6 months.

Then I do all the caregiving work like scrubbing, cleaning, feeding, etc. Usually, I try to talk throughout the day to make him feel better, but lately I feel like he is slowly giving up.

My father was the kind of person everyone relied on and respected. I respected and loved him too, but never showed it and he didn’t either. He was a great father all I can say is "he gave all he had".

I still remember, years back during an argument, he said, “Mujhe nahi lagta yeh dekhega mujhe mere budhape mein, likh ke le lo.” I also said in anger, “Haan, nahi dekhunga.”

Recently, when I was bathing him, he just looked at me and started crying. I hugged him and said, “Sab theek hai, kuch nahi hua hai. Ab thode din mein aap theek ho jaoge. Main yahin hoon, kahin nahi ja raha.”

I feel disheartened seeing my strong father who once had so much willpower slowly losing his faith and giving up. Lately, he doesn’t respond much. He just looks at me, eats his food, and sleeps.

Sometimes I think when we lose our loved ones suddenly, we suffer the most by staying back with their memories. But when we lose them slowly, day by day, they are the ones who suffer the most.