maybe solo living is not for me right now. i miss my family and life back home too much.

just a chikka.

sanay ako being independent and living on my own ever since I moved away from home for college nga malayo naman talaga. when i graduated, umuwi ako samin to do my resting era xD. just recently, i decided to move out again but this time to the bigger and 'better' kuno na metro manila, thinking id grow here and launch my career. i knew that life here isn't all that simple but I only understood how crazy and complicated it is, only when i properly lived here na. the dumb part of my story is that i went without securing a job, and no experience also (what was i thinking that my skills and talent can get me far?). it's been a while and i havent had any luck. Im blessed that i have my family supporting me financially if i wanted to continue 'sumugal' but even early on, it got depressing and miserable fast. this is because of how terrible the job market is these days: low offers for college grads, good opportunities offered through unpaid internships among others. i wasnt pressured by family to work yet but then i felt pressured to serve purpose of my coming here, all the more kay magastos panaman buhay dito. u dont wanna be losing too much money kaka move mo palang, tapos wala pang income. the air is not so fresh. the streets didnt feel too safe. i couldnt even wear my fave clothes and accessories comfortably because i was afraid of being catcalled or holdapin lol. i miss having the freedom and calmness to just live. due to my survival mode, i only thought of getting home safe, feeding myself, and keeping clean. i barely had time nor energy to do my hobbies (akala ko ill have the same life i had back home pero in a diff place lang), kahit pagnood ng netflix or journaling for fun parang di ko magawa cuz i was too preoccuppied with the job hunt or being productive with chores. i got to appreciate my home town actually bc of this experience and also really having my family. i guess i learned the hard way that having a family and being with them makes a difference. often in my mind dati was thinking and wishing if only nandito ate/mama ko, maybe i can bear the difficult daily life. id be feeding myself properly. id have someone to look forward to after my commute. stuff like that.

even stuff na akala ko magagawa ko na (join hobby classes,go to the gym, cook my own food, lakwatcha and try new things) cuz i thought i was free and independent, i was barely able to kasi nga survival mode. I didnt see my current solo living as the same freedom as I had last time. my current experience is basically liability, inching me closer to drain until i cant recognize myself na. at my lowest point, i found myself saying i want home. i deserve to feel safe and cared for. swallowing a hard pill, just accepting maybe di ko pa time magsolo living ngayon. (plus the crises??? hay bat kasi nagtiming!!)

Ive been praying for weeks for a job. always saying to God that He knows my heart. but maybe He knows din na baka di ko pa kakayanin sa ngayon (all job interviews so far were kinda meh work setups, didnt get offers but yung feeling na napipilitan kalang). na shooketh nalang ko one day after i shared how sad or down i was, instead of encouraging me again, this time, my parents said i come home, regardless i have a job or not. i didnt expect this actually but it really uplifted my mood significantly, almost like nakakaya ko na maglinis and maligo kasi may renewed hope (solution to the misery). and now im going to take it: this chance for a break from facing the world on my own.

i'll miss solo living but now i have to do what i have to do to live a life where i wake up not just to survive. i look forward to the comfort of my loved ones and finding and developing myself again in a place where i can thrive. sa mga solo living dyan who read upto this point, i pray for your peace and stability (things i lacked due to unemployment). continue to be brave like i have been.

also grabe timing ni Lord. it's actually my birthday tomorrow. i really dreaded it for weeks kasi na anticipate ko na nga baka di ko naman ma enjoy bc of my lack of success. ngayon may free pass na ako to not stay here, and i feel like i can be finally be happy again.