Im so tired

trigger warning. cutting and suicidal stuff

im 18 male and im genuinely so fucking tired. of literally EVERYTHING. and EVERYONE. I want to cease to exist. Just nothing. I'm sick of how everything in the world effects me. I sometimes wish I could be a girl just so I can get more validation. but then again at what cost? I feel like I'll never even want to be. I'll never be comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to have responsibilities of being an adult with this financial stuff and school stuff. It's too much. especially cause I feel trapped at home. I hate this life. and this world. nothing will make me happy. I'm tired of being me. i tried so hard. and gained absolutely nothing. I cut myself alot on my forearm and thighs. lots of shallow cuts but definitely all enough to bleed and watch it drip. im about 5 days clean of self harm. and over 2 weeks free from cutting. I rehearsed a suicide by hanging but never attempted because im too cowardly and scared my parents would find out once I fail. my parents make me too scared to do anything. I cant go out. I feel if I do they will monitor me on life 360. 😭😭 end me please. fuck this life.