Am I a lesbian? (sexuality and experience)

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on what I'm about to write. I'd be grateful if you could share your experiences as well.

I'm currently in a precarious state regarding my sexuality. I'll start by saying that I've always considered myself to be stable, that is, as soon as I began to more or less understand how things work in this life. At 14, I met someone online with whom I fell madly in love. Later, I found out they were a girl and it didn't scare me at all. I didn't care that she was a girl; I loved her (as much as a child can at 13-14 years old, when they're just learning about this world). I was madly attached to her. My 11-14 years were very eventful, cause it was during this period that I learned that love doesn't just mean a woman and a man but that it can be much more. Around that time, I was reading a lot of slash fanfics. The first time I read yaoi manhwa, I was so thrilled! I read my first femslash fanfic at the same age. Unfortunately, I don't remember much (I have my own emotions and thoughts on this matter due to traumatic events at the time). Before I learned what homophobia was and that LGBTQ representatives can never feel 100% safe in society, I was completely calm about liking a girl. But our communication with her quickly ended. After that, I started exploring the world more but for some reason I only explored it straight (although for a while I only watched gay pron if this matters). I watched pron where there was only a man and a woman. I read a lot of dark romances, y'know those cliché plots where he's all strong, cool, pumped up, masculine boss or businessman who falls in love with a tender, sweet heroine and protects her from the whole world, they have a great love and all that. I wanted the same. My second relationship was also online, with a guy I was also very attached to. We dated long-distance for six months and talked for another six months, I think, but we broke up too. At the same time, I would often return to online relationships with girls. This wasn't during my "relationship" with this guy! My relationship with him ended when I was 16. I think I really saw a future with him at that point. So, back to the fact that I could return to online relationships with girls. Idk why. I look back now, think about it and Idk why I did it. Maybe I romanticized long-distance relationships or I don't know. But still. I was never afraid of dating a girl long distance cause I thought it wouldn't be serious, like it was an online relationship (I know that serious relationships can be long distance but that's a whole other conversation). At 17, I met a 21 yo girl online and for the first time I realized how much I liked her. If she had asked me out, I would have done it. That was the first time I imagined my life with a girl, with her and I imagined it all in detail and I really wanted it. She was beautiful both inside and out, but we stopped talking on a pretty bad note, btw. That was the first time I seriously considered my sexualit but I quickly threw those thoughts out of my head cause I still thought it wasn't serious. I met this girl at the end of the summer, after I graduated from school.

Until August, I spent time with my best friend. We were pretty close, lived nearby, often went for walks and everything that best friends do (I won't go into detail but I'm an emotionally closed person and I don't know how to trust, especially since she treated me badly in the past, so I didn't trust her, but still, she was close to me. We were close since elementary school, then stopped talking and then got back together). And the whole summer, as I already said, we spent together. We often drank and one evening we got drunk again, talking and gossiping about everything and everyone, including our classmates' relationships. Simply put, she was very tactile towards me during this period, that we spent time together every day from morning until night, she would climb up to me to hug, touch me and all that. Sometimes she would even climb on me to kiss, to which I reacted like 'ugh, stop it'. I was really scared to be around her. In fact, from the age of 14 to 18, I was quite homophobic. So, towards the end of July, when it was time for her to leave for another city for college, she was pensive the whole time, silent and all that. When I asked her what was going on, she said she liked someone and wanted to confess to them and get ready. and when I asked her who this person was, she remained silent and then a few days later, when I returned home after a walk with her, I received a message from her that the person she liked was me. and there was a lot of other stuff there that indicated that she liked me as a girl, to which I replied 'I like you too AS A FRIEND and I value you very much'. After that, she deleted this message and we never talked about it. Now we talk occasionally. I mean, I don’t think she’s bi or a lesbian and that her confession to me was simply her need for intimay, that is, she wanted a relationship and it didn’t matter with whom. Idk how else to explain it. That is, it was something like a clouding of her mind, cause after that we went for a walk and she told me about the guy she liked and all that. But the point is that then I thought 'omg, lesbians, ugh. I'm not like that'.

At the same time, I could watch lesbian pron, gay pron but mostly straight (I know that sexual preferences in the imagination and in reality can differ, that it's different for everyone and all that. I know). At the same time, I lived with the thought that I would find a guy like in the books and we would have an interesting love story like in the books. Something like a prince on a white horse or something like that y'know. I'll also say that I didn't like anyone at school. Not boys, not girls. But seeing how my friends liked guys and everyone was dating, I tried to force myself to like a guy. Everyone was dating, but I wasn't, so I was weird (later I realized it was just a teenage thing, especially when it came to looks). But I won't lie, I liked my classmate but solely because of his intelligence. Not his looks or anything like that, but because he was smarter than our peers. And that's it. So, I didn't have a teenage crush on a friend, I didn't have a teenage crush on my female teacher, I didn't have a girl I liked like many lesbians. I don't know why but it's true. Which again makes me think that Im mistaken in my self identification of my sexuality. And most importantly, I generally thought straight and rarely deviated from the straight path prescribed by society. After that girl I liked, when I was 17, I dated a guy. I was 18. It was my first serious relationship. I initiated our relationship, I kissed him first (I was on my period btw and I was literally too excited), I was his first girlfriend. And NOW IT'S GOING TO BE FUNNY, because when my period ended, I stopped liking him. I'm not even sure I liked him at all. When I got to know him better, I realized I was wrong about him. He's a nice guy, really but it wasn't for me. Maybe also because I have an anxious avoidant attachment type and he pressured me and demanded that I reciprocate my feelings when I myself wasn't sure how I felt about him. In fact, I have to admit that it was just an experiment, cause in our society it's pretty weird (I know it's not true but for a girl who didn't kiss until she was 18 and who hadn't had a relationship, when all her friends and female acquaintances had more than one relationship, it's weird) a bit of a feeling of inferiority, you know. Basically, I pretty much abused this guy emotionally. Oh, and it's also worth noting that back at 14, when I started reading dark and fantasy novels, when I read xes scenes, I swore that I would never suck *ock. For me, it was disgusting and unpleasant. Back then, I thought that even if I loved a guy, I wouldn't suck his *ick and if I did, I'd have to force myself. But unfortunately, things were different with this guy. He was mostly the one initiating intimay (we didn't have xes which I'm very glad about!) and one evening we got drunk (I wouldn't have been able to give him a blow* sober) and I realized that I had to please him in an intimate way in return (he'd previously given me oral xes at his initiative). And I did. It was terrible. It was disgusting. I remember it now and I want to puke. One time, he got upset with me for not wanting to give him a blow*, even though I promised and I had to calm him down cause I felt guilty for refusing. Basically, I realized that my ideas about what kind of man I would have, based on my ideas and the books I'd read, don't match reality. I don't know if it's appropriate to say here that HE simply wasn't the one for me. That I simply haven't met the RIGHT man or that I'm just the kind of girl who doesn't like *icks? Idk. We broke up on my initiative. After that, I came back to him myself and then dumped him again. But that was because I was lonely and he was the only one around and all that. This lasted for an entire year, when I was 18.

At 19, I started thinking about my sexuality. It happened when I watched Arcane and liked Violet. I literally started worshiping her. I was completely hooked. Then I started thinking about the possibility of me liking girls. Like, I knew that if I met a girl like Violet in real life, I would drop everything and be with her, I didn't care about anyone or anything. I thought about it, allowed the thought that I might like girls but I immediately dismissed it CAUSE I CAN'T BE THIS. I'M STRAIGHT. Then I thought about being bi again. I was torn between 'I'm straight and I hate LGBTQ people, they're sick' and all that and 'I might like girls'. And so on in a circle. Then, slowly but surely, I started getting into it but I kept forcing myself to want a man, like I had before, when everything was fine and I was living peacefully. But I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I can't. And then I realized that I don't want to be with a man. I want to be with a woman. But I was stopped by the usual assumptions in my head, like, how will people view the fact that two girls with a child are not a woman and a friend with her child but two mothers and this child is THEIRS? And what about housework, which, according to society, only a man can handle (I know that these days, a lot of women easily do the same work as men, I know)? Or simply... I would say that girls's couple scare me and are very attractive at the same time. I've taken many tests online about my sexuality, read many articles and TikTok really scares me cause they say a lot of things that make me doubt who I am. Since the age of 19, I considered myself bi cause I thought I was attracted to both men and women. I didn't want to deceive myself and the people around me. But the more I delved into it, the more I realized that I don't want to be with a man, I want to be with a woman. I want a child with her, I want HER by my side, not HIM, I want a family with her. I might only like men for their looks, it's like I was looking at a beautiful thing and saying 'yeah, he's not bad' or 'he's really handsome' or 'he has a nice body' and that's it. Men's bodies don't attract me or turn me on. And I kind of came to terms with this thought and when I realized that I don't want a man at all, I started considering myself a lesbian and for a while I felt so relieved by this thought. I literally flew on wings from the realization that I like girls. The world took on completely different colors for me. And now I've fallen into a kind of depression again or maybe I have internalized homophobia. I don't understand if I really like girls? But I don't want to be with a man either. I want to be with a girl. I like one girl now. I've liked her for quite a long time. We even exchanged a few messages (all online too) but I liked her during another bout of internalized homophobia and I couldn't give her up no matter how hard I forced myself. She's beautiful, really. I would like to be with her, really. I would like to make her happy. She's so... I can't even put into words how magical and beautiful she is. And at the same time, I think, maybe I was wrong and I'm bi and not a lesbian? After all, I'm surrounded by straight couples and I often wonder if I'd like to be like that too but with a girl or maybe I'm forcing myself to think that I'm a lesbian, although in reality I'm bisexual or straight? I'm thinking about the fact that I still like men because I'm attracted to their appearance but I'm not sure that with a man everything would be as colorful and bright as in a relationship with a girl. Or did I still want a family with a man because that's how it was before? Because I used to like the prospect of a happy family with a man, where there was a father, mother and children, where my mother and father would be happy to have a son-in-law (my parents are terribly homophobic)... I don't know. I'm confused. When I imagine xes with a man rn I don't feel anything... I don't care and I want xes with a girl, I want kisses with a girl, I want to please a girl, I want to cook for a girl, earn money and give her beautiful and expensive gifts, but maybe this is just a phase? I thought so when I sat at home and went out a few times a month to the store for cigarettes and Coke. I thought it was because I was bored (I still think so and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that I've attributed sexuality to myself because I'm bored) and that when I go out in public, I'll return to the 'correct' path, to the smooth path. But now I've gone to work and I communicate with different people from morning until night, I'm in society and I still want a relationship with a girl but at the same time I understand that it would probably be right with a man and that I should be with a man. That I kind of like them physically and that I wouldn't mind having a caring boyfriend? Although if I look at it right now, right this second I want a caring girlfriend, not a boyfriend. I have strange feelings. You'll tell me not to label myself and live a calm life and just feel, love but I can't do that. I want to know exactly who I am, what my sexuality is, because it literally gives me no peace. That's why I need the opinions of other lesbians. I want to understand myself better. Maybe I'm just overthinking it and all that because until I was 19 I never even thought properly about being a lesbian or that I would seriously want a relationship with a girl. My friend said that I'll only fully understand this when I have a girlfriend and can truly experience it all. I agree with her. And I'm 100% sure that I'll stay with my girlfriend. Moreover, when I think about my first time with a woman, I can't even describe how I feel. It's very important to me, so I imagine this process as perhaps the most wonderful in my life. And when I think about my first time with a man, I feel scared, uncomfortable and only in my thoughts. It's as if I'm being pulled back into the past and I don't understand. I'd so love to love women and only them, but the thought that I've already had a man in my life, that I even dreamed of a family with a man, that I dreamed of a knight on a white horse, haunts me. I just want to figure myself out. I feel like the past is dragging me back. I don't want to be with a man but I also have a hard time accepting that I want to be with a woman. Like, I can't fully wrap my head around it. I mean, I don't want to be with a man and I won't. I consider the possibilities that THAT man might suddenly appear who meets all my criteria but in that same second I realize that I don't even want him. I want a woman no matter what. But now I understand that romantically, sexually, and emotionally, I want to be with a girl. And that's it. I don't see any other option for myself. All these thoughts are eating me alive and I don't know how to cope. I hope you girls will give me feedback, thanks!