Me F23, might be in love with someone else M25. Help

Hi all! I F23, have been with M29 for 3 1/2 years. For the purpose of this post we will call my current partner Ryan. Ryan (M29) and I met when I was freshly 19, and hit it off pretty quickly. I was just getting out of a decently messy situation and he had never been in a relationship longer than 7 months. Things progressed fast between the two of us and we eventually moved in together at my apartment while only being together for 7-8 months or so. Weirdly, we have some mutual acquaintances within our families which we bonded over and still do continue to bond over. There’s been talk of marriage (from us both) and I know that a ring has been purchased but nothing has been done with it yet.

Now, Ryan and I have some things in common, but we also have very many differences, one being our music and general hobbies. I’d be lying if I told you guys we didn’t bond over some similar artists and we’ve gone to some pretty brilliant concerts BUT those are his favorites and just so happen to be people who I also enjoy but he won’t listen to my favorite music or go to my concerts I want to go to. I always wind up going with my friends, which I enjoy but that’s not the point. I really do love Ryan, my current partner. He’s been there for me in ways that others haven’t been. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago someone from my past reached out to me, M25, we will call him John (M25) for the purpose of this post.

John and I have a history, now not necessarily a very long one, but a very intimate/ passionate/ deep connection. John and I were only dating for 3 months back in our high school/ early college days. Things just ended up not working out, and we went our separate ways. When John and I were together we always had a great time. We have A LOT in common, similar music tastes, hobbies, and our personalities match very well. So back story on John here, he very recently got out of a long term relationship (4 1/2 years long), and things ended a bit abruptly between the two of them from what I am understanding of it. It sounds like his ex partner put on a pretty good face for the first year of their relationship, and things sorta went downhill after that.

Sounds like John’s friends and family didn’t really like his partner and felt that he was being used. Needless to say, he finally felt that way and decided to end things. Now when he reached out I had zero intentions of this going absolutely anywhere, I really was just happy to be catching up with someone who I was once so close to, especially now that we’re adults not teenagers/ in college. I never thought after years of no contact that we’d ever be speaking to each other again. Now that, that’s shook up a lot of emotions for me that I guess I didn’t really know I still had. I can’t stop thinking about him. Now, we are going to take things back to the intimate side of things here, John and I were like a match made in heaven. He complemented me so well, and vise versa. When John and I ended things way back when it was one of my biggest heart breaks ever, which makes no sense because it was only 3 months (we had known each other for a while before that though). I was genuinely so heartbroken because I really loved him.

I know that the feeling between us is mutual and that’s what is absolutely killing me. How mutual is it? What if this, what if that? This is all i’m able to think about for the last 3 weeks. When John (M25) and I had met for coffee a few weeks ago, I gave him a hug at the end of our very long catch up. We talked for hours you guys. I’m talking like Noon up until 10pm. The hug brought me back to the intimate times and just the way he grabs onto me, looks at me, the whole nine is the way no one has ever looked at me. Only him. And the weather ended up getting bad while we were inside, John ended up following me home to make sure I made it home safe, mind you his car is not equip for snow like mine is, mines AWD his is not. (I don’t do well driving in the snow, it gives me panic attacks and I hate it so much, he knows this). He went out of his way to make sure I was safe. How did we talk the whole day?! When I hugged him I felt so safe, and I feel guilty about that.

The way that man looks at me, it kills me. It’s like a puppy looking up at its new owner when they call them a good boy, or a good girl. I still have deep feelings for him, clearly as i’m discovering. I am so lost, any advice would be helpful. If there’s questions anyone has please ask them and I will answer them, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before, and I know everyone around me will tell me to stay with my current partner but what if that’s not the right call? I also think it’s important to note that my current partner always reminds me that if he’s not with me he would be a villain and never be with anyone ever again. Ugh, if you’ve made it this far thank you for reading and again, questions are most welcome!