My husband threw my childhood trauma in my face during an argument. Something feels broken and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never posted here before. I just need to hear from people who’ve been through something like this.

Some context first. I (F27) grew up with a narcissistic abusive father and emotionally unstable mother . Severe trauma. Because of his control I never got to make friends growing up, never learned how to. I have ADHD and autism. I have no family support. No close friends. I’ve pretty much been on my own my entire life.

My husband is the first man I’ve ever been close to. I met him when i was around 19-20. I married him. He is my person.

I work two jobs. I handle all the bills. I manage our finances completely. I financially support him and sometimes his family too. I also financially support our vacations or his vacations with his friends. He’s 8 years older than me. We’re in a long distance relationship, I do all of this without any support system behind me.

I’m living in an European country where I don’t even speak the native language, doing my masters, completely alone here. Moved for a better future, our decision together, but I’m the one navigating all of it solo

And he has done this thing multiple times where he takes my saved money and gives it to his family or friends as a “loan.” That money never comes back. Ever. He also just spends mindlessly, no thought about the future. I’ve talked to him about this so many times. Growing up I had nothing, no stable home, no safety, nothing that was mine. So saving money and one day owning my own home isn’t just a financial goal. It’s something that goes really deep for me. He knows this. He knows exactly why it matters.

So we got into an argument about finances. Honestly the same argument we always seem to have. And somewhere in the middle of it he sarcastically brought up my childhood abuse and trauma. Not in a gentle way. Not in a “I understand why you’re like this” way. He used it to win the argument. Like he knew exactly where to press.

I broke down crying and hung up. We’re on 2 days of no contact now.

Here’s the thing. In every single fight we’ve ever had, I’m the one who reaches out first. I’m the one who apologizes first, even when I did nothing wrong. Because the silence gives me real anxiety I’ve told him this so many times and he knows it. And every time I reach out and things go back to normal, nothing actually changes. Same patterns, same arguments, same outcomes.

This time I can’t bring myself to reach out first. Something feels different.

I know leaving isn’t simple. He is genuinely the only person I have. I don’t know how to make friends, that chance was taken from me when I was young. The idea of walking away isn’t just losing a husband, it’s losing my emotional support system.

I know this sounds painful to admit but somewhere along the way, being the one who provides became how I felt needed. How I felt loved. How I proved my own worth.

I just want to know, am I overreacting? Has anyone had their partner use their trauma against them like this? How did you move forward?

Sorry for the scattered thoughts, my ADHD brain is a little overwhelmed right now