Fear of Abandonment, Attachment issues, and Daddy Issues

Alright here we go!

Recently I made a friend through Facebook Dating of all places and we were good for the first week. I haven’t had a friend that has the same interest and conversation is easy with them in a while so I was excited. He’d call all the time and we’d talk for hours and things were great! Nothing romantic, just simply platonic friendly banter. Well we did talk about deeper things but again simply friendly. Well here recently there’s been a shift, doesn’t text as much or call and I was shocked to see it send me into a depressive state. For the first time in a long time, I genuinely had someone I could talk to and now I just feel extremely hurt and I’ve finally been able to pinpoint where it comes from.

I think I may have an attachment issue or a habit of placing my happiness from others. In the past I’ve made friends, invested time and energy into them just for them to not do the same for me. I’ve poured a lot of energy into these people thinking our friendship would last forever only to be crushed and casted aside as if I’m nothing to them. An angering and emptying feeling. The excitement from a text or a call and when it fizzles out or completely stops, I feel crushed…abandoned. This is why I tend to not allow myself to get too excited about things because every time I do, I get disappointed. Maybe it comes from my father…

Growing up my father had been in and out of prison my entire life and I learned what disappointment feels like from a very young age. My father would promise me he’d spend more time, stay out of prison, visit more only for him to not hold his end of the bargain. Even til this day while he has stayed from prison, I still get disappointed by his promises, he’ll call more, he’ll visit more, he’ll make it available so I can visit him and still never nothing. The only thing my dad has held his end of the bargain with was money and now it feels like the only thing I can get from him is money….

I hate putting energy and time into people just for me to get nothing back in return but emptiness. It’s like at this point I don’t want to make new friends or form new relationships but at the same time the loneliness is killing me. I just want someone to talk to sometimes that actually gets me. To combat this lonely feeling I feel. Fill a hole that I don’t know how to fill myself. I spend so much time alone and even when I do try to connect with people it goes nowhere…I wish I did have this need for human connection.

It’s okay though. I’ve been my own best friend my entire life. I don’t need someone to understand. I just need to pour that energy into myself. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone while doing it or sad. I’ll cry about for a bit and move on. I just needed to get it out without someone interrupting me and throwing god into every situation. I understand but at times it can be frustrating especially since I’m not religious.