child loss / sibling loss

my brother killed himself but i wish he did it after my mom passes. my mom is alive and i am so lucky that she is, but seeing her grieve my brother is like getting stabbed in the heart 20x. in his letter he wrote that he loves my mom the most out of everyone and the only reason why he held on for so long was because of her. i believe he was her favorite but he was also the first born so i guess he always held a special place in her heart. but i feel like im grieving my mom even though she’s still here. i feel so alone in this journey even though i have other siblings and my parents. i wish my mom would join my brother bc seeing her in agony is so incredibly painful and i wish she didn’t feel this way. this might bc disrespected, disgusting, and horrible but i can’t tell my family this or they’ll think im insane. anyways i just had to get this off of my chest.