i feel so lost

tw online grooming(? idk if it fits the definition), self harm mention

i don't know if what i've been through counts as "grooming" as i haven't actually been manipulated, but i don't know where else to go.

im a minor, and ever since i was young i've been exposed to sexual content online + i've always felt sort of inhuman, unworthy of being seen as a person, which eventually led to me sexting adults on the internet so i could get the attention i wanted so bad. i learned what csa was at a young age, though i don't think i was ever hurt in that way. i was a very sad child, miserable and lonely all the time. i always wanted to get groomed for some reason (sorry to all the actual victims this is so weird of me). i got banned a few times from the site i used (not reddit), and recently i decided to stop completely. the problem is, that account was my main way of getting attention.

in my ordinary life, i feel like a ghost more than i feel like a human. getting attention, even from the most disgusting kinds of people, made me feel good. it gave me something to look forward to, when i posted i got lots of messages, it was so thrilling. i felt so disgusting all the time and i still do now.

at age 13 i made a post about s/h on an anonymous app and i was messaged by a 20 year old who wanted me to cut myself because "girls with scars look cute". getting attention from adults gave me a thrill. i think this was the first time i was messaged by an adult online. when i told them i was 14 (lied abt my age for some reason lmao) they said it was "fine because we weren't doing anything bad". even at the time i was pretty sure they were trying to groom me because no 20 year old genuinely thinks getting a young teen to cut themselves is "fine". we only chatted a bit, maybe once a month for 4 months maybe, before i got bored and deleted the app. whenever i got a notification from them i felt so happy, the mere thought of talking to them made me so giddy. i wanted more i wanted more oh my god i miss the way they'd call me cute and send heart emojis and call me a good girl for cutting myself, im so easy it's genuinely pathetic (TO ALL THE CREEPS LURKING HERE THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION FUCK OFF)

at age 14 on discord i joined a server on discord so i could get groomed and i ended up getting messaged by a 17 year old (at least he said he was 17 anyways), at first he was just a normal guy but he kept calling me cutie and it made me feel good. the convo ended up turning sexual. i haven't messaged him since because there's no way im talking to a guy who thinks sexting 14 year olds as a 17 year old is completely fine, at least the OTHER creeps i talked to at the time acknowledged that what they were doing was illegal (again, my accounts kept getting banned so i had to resort to discord)

now that i've decided not to go back, i've realised that my time spent around creeps on the internet (especially on that site i mentioned earlier) fucked me up massively cause now im into depraved things and this isn't fun , i won't say i was hypersexual during the times i got regularly messaged by creeps (hypersexuality is caused by sexual abuse/assault i think and im not a victim) BUT i did definitely have a higher libido (idk if it's the right word) and i guess i shouldn't have expected anything to change considering i only decided like a couple weeks ago that id never go back, but i miss them massively. i miss messaging creeps i miss getting easy attention. everywhere else i have to fight for it i have to fight to get someone to care about me but im too mentally ill for an actual relationship cause id just fuck everything up. god i miss them i miss them i miss them i want attention so so bad

saying i was "groomed" feels wrong because it was never manipulation, i WANTED it i WANTED attention i WANTED weirdos to message me i CHOSE to make those accounts and reply to everything they said i DELIBERATELY acted cute for them so id get more attention cause those freaks are so easy, they all want the same thing (impressionable innocent minors who are submissive and never fight back or tell them they're fucking weird). i've never sent pics but i still feel so gross. Why did I let them say those things to me. I wish I had an adult in my life that I could ACTUALLY TALK TO ABOUT MY PROBLEMS BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE ADULTS ARE FUCKING STUPIDDDDDD also i can't talk about this anywhere other than here and a few other places because people are gonna say "you wanted it" which is correct I did want it. if i was a stranger reading this post i would definitely think im a victim, but because im me, i don't think i actually qualify as one.

god i want attention again but everywhere else it's like im an afterthought.. i always fuck up the relationships i do have and now i feel lonely all the time even though i have friends. i can't tell them anything i feel too gross about it, can't tell any adults they'd take my phone away (like that's supposed to do anything) god i wish i was actually groomed sorry this is so weird of me. sorry

i DONT plan on getting groomed on reddit though lmao creeps fuck off