Thinking about doing It make me feel that only by that i can be finally calm

18 M .I have been struggling for years mentally

when i was younger i was oversensitve and cried because i was bullied. Everyone in family

were putting hope into me as they thought that i am born genius and believed in me. I also had a small hope that i will become somebody worthy as time goes by and if I work hard enough.Unfortunately it doesnt seem to happen .

i became absolutely average ,my parents said twice that I am shame for their family as im not doing anything i supposed to like working hard on their huge agricultural buissness, and not having grades high enough.when i became freshmen i have met my girlfriend which then made me feel the best ever.she cared for me ,made me feel loved and wanted to see me everyday ,even when the first year of being completely enchanted we loved being with eachother.that was until the second summer when I couldnt see her so often and talk because my parents didnt let me and she cried all the time and missed me. i tried everything but it was hard to do anything,and she stopped being the same person as before.she stopped caring if I camera to school or i didnt ,stopped texting me etc. it started to hurt me a lot so ive been begging her to talk with me about what happend and she toku my that something broke in her and it will never be the same as it used to. And it is the same to this day after being 3 years with eachother . She was the only person which loved me for who i am(and also my grandfather who unfortunately died of cancer).we are still together but nothing changes ,I cry everynight ,have problems with my heart. I dont want to breakup with her because she is the only person i talk to and still feel good with and i just cant imagine finding anyone like her because she is perfect for me,and i despise nowadays society.I hate myself in every aspect ,and hate living because how evil people are on the whole world. wars, hate,pedophilia. everything may sound stupid to you or just situation of mild problems where people are starving literally right now.But i feel it deeply inside me that I just cant hold it anymore even after Talking with therapists 5 times already.

I want to be dead and write everyone goodbye letter this week. the only thing holding me from that is my faith in God and not wanting for my Little Brother which is 4 yrs old to see me dead hanging from the ceiling.

PS: Sorry for my grammar ,im not native speaker