Too much pride to let go, too soft to go on

(21F) I'm in the position where my father sacrificed so much for me to be able to study something and chase my artistic career. Only for me to now spend a year feeling too proud to let it go.

I've applied for jobs for now almost a year (outside my sector but still to my qualities) to find a steady income to help at home. We're at our lowest point, and the little happiness and privilege we have to spend some money on something besides taxes and food is slowly being taken away from us because of the inflation and my graduation causing the laws of my country (not US btw) to practically f*ck us. (I do say its not all bad, we enjoy ourselves to buy a small gift for each other every couple months or care for our cat who keeps me alive)

Its not my father's fault that we are here, he was in love, put in heavy debt by his ex, and was heavily sick for years when she abandoned us. Fending for me by himself alone. I hate her everyday for it.

The thing is though, my father sacrificed a lot for me to be able to pursue that artistic career and to study for a bachelor as well, its only him and me. And I know if I take a job at a restaurant for example, I'd just get stuck there and won't have the time to chase that career which I'm so slowly building right now because by the time we'll be stable for me to quit it, we'll be years from now and I'll probably get more depressed and ashamed and have lost all connection to the world I'm entering. Because it IS a world where its all about networking and consistency.

I'm torn up between two sides here. On the one hand I'm making free projects for experience and portfolio, meeting people inside my field, and being able to make use of what I learned. Things that set up a future career I am certain will flourish if I keep going like this. But its the now that worries me, we're struggling to buy food even, and I feel tremendous guilt not being able to provide for my family because of my pride to pursue my own career. We need me to stop it and just do any job fulltime so we can get stable over the next years. I can't bring myself to just take that "any" job though, I haven't worked so hard to get here only to go back to being that silent dishwasher again which I hoped for years wouldn't happen again (ofc with all due respect to those people, but my life is meant for another path).

The stress is hurting me physcially, the pressure. Though my father refuses me to say out loud that I'm needed, I see his eyes have hope when I talk about a potential job I found. He truly didn't want this, he gets sadder everyday knowing I have to help where he can't, I've given all money I earned from previous jobs over the years. The world feels so depressing right now for me, I stopped being on social media to avoid the constant negativity, but I only have to look to my mailbox to see the rejects, ghosting, and scam jobs, and look at my wallet to see the struggle and penny-counting. The whole idea of a simple life where I could one day not worry for food, make art plenty, and start my own family, its fading for me.

My confession here is just something I've confessed to lots of friends, who always sympathise, but they never relate. Their parents are fine, their home is good, they've never had to worry about food, they have savings and can find jobs because daddy or mommy knows someone in the field. Hell, even with government support, because of my specific living situation with my father, I'd lose money. That's just crazy. There is no support or help. I know I'll make that career work, its what I am meant for, I'll never give up on it. But I know I'm bringing suffering because of my want to pursue this life. I feel dishonest and prideful to my family. But I feel ashamed if I don't keep going forward with all that we've worked for for these past long years now.

I hate myself for being myself so much. I'm a contradiction and though I know what I want in this life, I don't know how to get there. I confess that I am a bad person to my family right now. I'm failing on every front the longer it goes on. My only true moments of happiness are when I make that art or am with my pet. I don't like my friends who have it better anymore, because of their ignorance. How easy it is for the people who can travel once a month to tell the people who can't that "any job" is fine. Whilst mentally you just fall into a deeper pit with no way out.

I'm sorry if this drags a bit, but I can't help it anymore. I wake up with grinding teeth and headaches not knowing what I need to do. I know what jobs I want, I know I'd be good at them, but they don't need them right now around my possbile area of traverse, they don't reply, or just say they'll keep in touch. Its all so close, so so close, but its so far at the same time.

I'm almost 22 now, I have to start making it work, I want to make my 20's worth living, but I also realise I need to be able to live. I could go on for another 10 paragraphs, but this is the overall deal. Some people have it worse than us, I know that. I'm already privileged to say I'm making any form of art and can have my cat. But to reduce ourselves even more than we already have (because we DID have it good for a while until the new law, taxes, and graduation came) will just be too much for me.