im genuinely such a loser

holy shit i wanna blow up on everyone who talks to me so fucking bad . they all act like it's not obvious that im struggling that i need help. They're so fucking stupid I swear I CAN BARELY GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNINGS, I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, I LACK THE MOTIVATION TO DO MOST THINGS!!!!!!!! THAT'S TEXTBOOK DEPRESSION OMFG. AND THEY STILL HAVE THE GALL TO CALL ME LAZY OMFG DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF???????? dumbasses always treat the mentally ill like they're burdens then act surprised when you kill yourself. "It'll get better" "you're so young" "teenagers are so dramatic" I'VE FELT LIKE THIS FOR NEARLY HALF MY FUCKING LIFE AND I CAN BARELY REMEMEBR THE FIRST HALF!!!! "these are the best years of your life" ohhhh my god mentally stable people will never get it. NEVER

find out im trans and it's all "just love yourself, don't ruin your body" because apparently the only worth i have is my looks. you people didn't even see me as a human before and you certainly don't see me as human now. and to make matters worse im not even white so i feel out of place no matter what .... im from the indian subcontinent too lol so every example of an attractive person looks NOTHING like me because they're not my race .... race is truly everything looks are truly everything if i was prettier they'd be nicer they wouldn't treat me the way they did. i wish i was skinnier (especially my thighs, im already pretty skinny apparently) and i wish i was prettier and i wish i was white and i wish i was a girl who actually LIKED being a girl instead of someone who wanted to be a guy . AND I DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT ANYONE WHO SAYS "TRANS MEN ONLY TRANSITION TO ESCAPE MISOGYNY" YOU DUMB FUCK I'M EXPERIENCING IT ANYWAYS!!!! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRANSITION I'LL NEVER BE A REAL GIRL I'LL NEVER BE A REAL BOY AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE IM BROWN AND THE THING IS I DONT EVEN LOOK THAT BAD IT'S JUST MY ETHNIC FEATURESSSSSSSS I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF

some of my closest relationships are ONLINE because im genuinely so bad at talking to people but my online friends make me so happy and we talk so much more than my irl friends do. it makes me so sad to say because i have so many irl friends we just don't talk outside of school oh my god i hatemhseld. and im.literally dating someone online (i've had a real relationship before ok) and i love them but idk how to help them because they're mentally ill too but they need so much attention (i do too, im such a fucking hypocrite) but i begged to date them and i just want to wipe myself off the internet . It's only been a few weeks but I already kind of hate them but earlier they made me so happy????? I don't know I get weird when I'm close to people I fuck up every relationship I have because I'm genuinely such a bad person I'm so dirty I'll never be clean ill never be clean my mind is so filthy I'll never be clean or pure or pretty or delicate or dainty so what's the point!!!! What's the fucking point. I just want to delete all my accounts and start again because I don't want to be in contact with anyone I know I don't deserve to have relationships or to know anyone I don't deserve to be happy I don't deserve to talk to any of my friends again I don't deserve it they deserve better than me there's so much I'm hiding and I know what they think of disgusting freaks like me god I hate myself and i can't even get help irl either I WISH I COULD BELIEVE ME

i hate being queer i hate being brown i hate being raised religious i hate being terrified of being abandoned i hate being close to people i hate isolation i hate being a teen and most of all i HATE EVERY ADULT WHO ACTS LIKE BEING A TEEN IS THE PROBLEM omfg im so fucking pissed. "teenagers are so dramatic" mfs when i straight up kill myself. HOW'S THAT FOR DRAMATIC FUCKING CUNT. "it's just your hormones" I have wanted to die since the age of 8 if I told anyone irl about how i really feel they would not be able to relate BECAUSE I'M MENTALLY ILL CAN YOU DUMB FUCKS GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD OMFG. Quick! Everyone act surprised! the undiagnosed, untreated mental illness makes people mentally ill! Who knew! like for all i know i don't even have any sort of disorder and my brain is just fucked up but GODDDDD. I'm so jealous of people who have been in the ward. I wish I was so obviously mentally unwell that there was no choice but to lock me up for my own good. Cause the way things are heading I won't be alive for GCSEs😂😂😂😂😂 but my family I don't want to burden them they're already so busy and I'm just a failure my grades are slipping my future is dull I don't wanna live to 18 you know I had a dentist appointment today and they put me on referral for braces and the waitlist was 3 years long and the dentist said "by the time you get them you'll be eighteen" and I just had to sit there and think about how I didn't think I was actually gonna live to eighteen. You know I don't plan on making it. I plan on dying. I want to die. I'm calmer now. I want to die. I don't want to live. I have home - everyone's so annoying, no one gets me, they all just piss me off and they're the ones who made me so suicidal in the first place. I have school - that's boring, I can't focus on my hobbies, I feel left out, my classmates genuinely suck and as a brown queer (as in LGBT and "weird") kid I don't fit in. I have the outside, the natural world - but I need to prioritise my studies. I can barely get the energy to get out of bed, no matter how much I want to get outside I just end up losing the motivation. Plus I live in a shitty town with a park I've visited a billion times. I have the internet - everyone sucks. What else? What else do I have? I draw. I write. I read. Recently I barely have the motivation. For the past few years I don't have the motivation. I sit with my sketchbook in my lap thinking of death. I could turn to religion (I stopped believing in god a long time ago). I could cut myself or starve to gain control (I always chicken out, so scared of pain but so desperate for it). I could always take up a new hobby (too time-consuming, it helps less to be bad at something new). I could revise (so boring, I don't feel motivated enough. I don't care about the future, I plan on suicide before eighteen). I could abuse substances (costly, risky - my parents do care for me in that way at least). I don't know what else. I could go on walks but the weather's still cold, and again - don't have the motivation, live in a shitty town that's grey and miserable. I hate everything. I want to die. Suicide is a sin they say. I want to die so badly. I don't believe in God. I wish I could. I wish I could.

I want to be loved, even by the most disgusting of people. I miss the 17 year old who sexted me when I was 14. I miss the nonces who used to message me when I was 14. I asked for it. I went into their spaces. I made myself appealing. I got what I wanted. It feels so empty, so empty. God I wanna die. I wish I was in a relationship with an adult who was understanding and didn't only want me for sex and who didn't pressure me into anything I didn't want and maybe I'd move in with them when I grew older and I'd be babied and treated like I was innocent instead of dirty and pure instead of tainted and I'd finally have a future being loved by someone. I don't care I wanna die