Dealing with loss

This'll be kind of long. I'm just talking into the void.

My dear lover I've been seeing since August passed away early Monday morning on March 30th from pneumonia. I didn't find out until April 1st. He was already a cancer survivor and had diabetes. He was in the hospital since March 13th.

I met him on Sniffies. His profile said he was 73. When we met, I knew that couldn't be true. I asked if that's really his age. He then tells me he's 80. Luckily for him, I don't have an upper age limit. About a month or two later he tells me he's actually 90. I didn't care that he lied about his age. I genuinely enjoyed him. But at that time, I started to worry about how much time I had left with him.

He was the sweetest, most kind, and gentle person I have ever met in my life. He was the first guy I'd see long term. He turned me into a cuddle bug. I enjoyed kissing, hugging, and cuddling with him more than the sex. We would lay in bed and kiss and cuddle for hours talking about anything that came to mind. It was wonderful.

I cried off and on for hours yesterday and cried through the night. Today, it's the same. The tears won't stop. It hurts. It hurts so damn much. My body feels like it's in this constant anticipation/fight or flight phase. I feel so unmotivated to do anything at all. He was my first love. I wish I could kiss and hug and hold him again. He was one in a million. I miss him dearly.