Abuse?

using a throwaway for this. I’ll give the full story, bear with me please. For context, I’m freshly 18 now, J in this story is freshly 19. We became friends when I was 12-13 and he was 13-14. Also want to preface that I have been blessed with amazing parents, and no, my dad didn’t abuse me ever. He’s never even yelled at me. We are absolute best friends we always joke we’re the same person haha.

J and I became friends in homeroom during 7th grade junior high. During February of that week he randomly never showed back up and everyone thought he just got expelled or whatever because even the teachers didn’t get a warning he would just stop showing up. 8th grade rolls around, and we’re in the same classes. In September of that school year, my friend committed suicide. In October, J told me he was going to kill himself then didn’t show up to school for a week and I thought he died. When he showed back up I made him promise he wouldn’t kill himself, and we started liking each other. From then on as well, him and I were bullied and I was pretty harshly sexually harassed both in school and out of school (they found my sisters work and would tell her/ask her for stuff). I also had one of the guys slap my butt a few times once (not sure if that’s sexual assault?). I never told my parents any of this, but I handled it all on my own with the school. One day they did call my mom and she was upset I didn’t tell her, but even then I just said “I handled it” and we’ve never spoken much about it since. Anyways, even early on in the year it was obvious J was dangerous. He was always fighting/threatening people, and he was extremely volatile. We started dating and he was the same. He would get mad at the drop of a hat and yell at me or hit me. Or, worst of all for me, sometimes he would cut contact. He left again after my birthday in February without any contact to anyone whatsoever. And he was gone for 2 years after. During that time I’d cry at school, get sick during family vacations, have dreams of seeing him again, I would pray and throw up and beg/bargain with god to let me see him again to make sure he was safe and happy, and I’d google his obituary or arrest reports to make sure he wasn’t dead or something. The sexual harassment only got worse from there both in and out of school. Sophomore year of high school comes around and he’s back. He didn’t want anything to do with me, but I eventually rekindled our relationship and we dated again. He played piano for me, and he was really sweet. But he still was really volatile and it only got worse, honestly. He was extremely mean to one of my friends one day and I stuck up for her, he got upset, and I calmly told him that yelling at each other wasn’t productive and we should sit on it before talking about it in the morning. The next day I was blocked on everything and he left school again. The cycle picked up, I was scared again, freaking out without him. Junior year, J randomly added me on snap, and said “Hey, **** here just wanted to say I miss seeing you, i am currently working on my mental health to better myself, I dont think we will see eachother much often anymore but you are always welcome to talk to me!”

I told him I felt disrespected by all the times he left me without telling me, and explained he’s been in and out of school because he’s been in and out of juvi for violent acts (my dad is an ex cop, and told me they didn’t arrest minors for violence like that unless he tried like murdering someone). Anyways, we rekindled the friendship online and he would give me mixed signals that he liked me and whatever. June of that year, we called and he confessed he still liked me. I was so relieved I cried and we started dating again. My mom said she’d never seen me so happy. But ofc that couldn’t last forever. I did an LNA program over the summer, and during one of those classes I broke up with him bc he was flaky, rude and just an asshole. He never changed. He cried and told me he was gay and we stayed friends. Then, he started shaking me down for money for drugs. I blocked him and I thought that’s how our 4 years would end. He reached out to me on insta in September, but I blocked him without reading anything. In December, he found one of my friends and harassed her and asked where I was and he wanted to talk to me and cussed her out. She blocked him. January of this year he made a new number and tried reaching out to me, basically saying he’s sorry for what he did and his life’s a mess. He claims he got a girl pregnant, and is in federal court for drug possession and he won’t ask for anything bc I don’t owe him anything, but he’s looking for people to turn to. I blocked his number and never said anything and so far it’s clear.

I’ve known since 8th grade that the sexual harassment and stuff and hitting/abandonment from J has left me nervous around men but I’m unsure the extent I guess. I’ve been through therapy and I’ve been dismissed every time, but my teacher (she’s like a mother to me) knows deep down I tend to people please (I’ve never been comfortable talking about my “problems” to strangers, anyways). So, I’m talking to a new guy at my school now (I’m now 18 and so is he). He’s popular, but very shy. And he’s very very different from the other men I’ve dated (most of which are manipulative/abusive like J). I was up front with him about everything once he asked about any ex’s that I’ve had, and he’s been great with boundaries. He’s observant of me too, which I’m not quite used to. I’m very hyperaware a lot especially around men. I can’t fall asleep around them, get nervous when I can’t see their hands, and I’m always very very aware of their height and build. I tend to fawn around them, and I make comments sometimes because it’s what I think about like “you could put me through a wall if you wanted to.” And I genuinely expect most men who can hurt me, to hurt me. I don’t trust them drunk, because anything can happen. If they get mad or handsy I can’t control it, they could hurt me and there’d be nothing to do. He’s incredibly gentle and chill and he’s genuinely very sweet and he has a lot of social awareness. I flinched in front of him once because a guy at a crowded competition got too close, and he brought his hands up in like a placating gesture so I could see them and kept it lighthearted but was like “woah, you can chill you’re fine it’s okay I promise” and if I flinch sometimes he’ll throw in like “sorry I scared you” and adjust immediately. He’s great, but he’s been so shy to screw things up he hasn’t done anything and doesn’t talk much. I’m used to taking silence from men like J as a sign they’re gonna leave or get angry and hit me. So idk if it’s my period making me crazy (I don’t get it often bc of my PCOS so I get emotional) but the past few days I’ve genuinely been considering going back to J and trying to rekindle contact, because although he scared me I knew where he stood with me. He knew me. We had a little routine. It was awful, but I learned that any attention from him was good attention (hitting, yelling, anything but him leaving me behind again). I know I’m crazy, and things are good with this other guy though we aren’t dating yet, but it’s unfamiliar territory. I’m scared where my brain is going but I’m romanticizing everything with J even though I know it’s wrong. Idk what to do. Am I crazy?