Eight days without eating

today is day eight. I finally left my room for the first time in those days and bought papers, needed a smoke.

I spent my life as a cook so I figured it was fitting that I die this way.

I could hardly speak.

so I know it's coming now.

I can feel it. it's like I'm not awake.

I figured if everyone hates me as much as they do this should at least bring people a smile knowing I died locked in my room and in pain.

I wish I could say I'm sad, heartbroken, angry.

but I'm not.

I'm just tired.

I just don't want to keep going and I don't trust myself to not pussy out or let my survival instincts take over.

I'm putting myself in a place where there is no return.

no pleading, no bargaining.

just me in a place that I can not be rescued from.

I was never a horrible person, wasn't great either.

Ive stolen, hit people, yelled at people who never deserved it, made people feel like shit.

I like to think I balanced it out by treating most people decently.

hell I'm not here to plead my case.

But I'm doing what's best for everyone.

dying quietly.

I hope you all find the help you need.

don't give up

stay away from booze, stay further away from drugs.

don't be like me.

And if you find love? never let them give you a tattoo on your wrist, trust me looking down at that shit everyday after they leave you to become some trash goblin hippie hurts.

and treat them decent.

Never trust someone who has dreams. dreams sound nice but those people are always scheming.

goals, that's different. people with goals are trustworthy.

never work for below your pay grade, any restaurant owner or manager that pleads poor is full of shit and will cut your throat at a moment's notice.

Hippies are not to be trusted, no amount of MDMA will fill the black hole that is their heart.

All punks go corporate, you hear someone identify as a punk don't expect them to be the same when you reach 33.

As a gay let me tell you, performative gays are worse than snakes on crack. most of them saw mean girls and run Paul's drag race and made it their whole personality.

Forgive your family if you can, doesn't have to be to their face but that hurt and hate will drown you.

Buy a homeless person dinner once a month.

be kind to animals.

drink water.

stop fucking drinking energy drinks.

guess that's the last advice I have.

I'm going to settle in now and wait.

Be good to each other and I'm sorry.