I just opened up to someone for sort of the first time

My whole life I’ve always tried to deal with things myself and bottle everything up. I’ve learnt it from years of emotional neglect, to the point that even when I went to therapy I couldn’t say anything unless I was asked a direct question, even then, if I got to talking I would end up sobbing my eyes out before I say anything meaningful. Over the years I’ve mentioned stuff here and there to friends and family and people are aware of the fact that I struggle mentally, but the details are totally private. The past few weeks (month or so?) my mental health has been in absolute shambles and rapidly declining. Its honestly become the worst it’s ever been I think which is scary to say because I’m not stranger to poor mental health. Anyway, in this time I have relapsed with self harm and, while I’ve always been suicidal to some degree, I started forming a plan, set a date, weighing pros and cons of killing myself. Yesterday, some stuff happened and I ended up writing notes and moved up my date, I also cancelled my plans and spent the whole day bedrotting and working out logistics. I felt so numb, but at the same time I would burst into tears the second I had a moment to actually think, instead of shutting my brain off by doomscrolling. I play GAA (Irish sport, similar to football) and had training today and decided to go, honestly figuring it would be my last time at training, or even seeing my friends. On the whole walk there I kept tearing up because the music only drowned out so many thoughts. I got there ~10 minutes early because I walk quick when there’s something on my mind. As I arrived I saw my best friend/girlfriend with her mum (a coach for our team) and we started talking but she immediately clocked that something wasn’t right because I could only mask so much and she asked me if I was okay in the specific way she always does and I always, always say yeah no matter how bad it is but in that moment I just started crying and was on the verge of a panic attack. I was turned away from her, but I could tell that she was freaking out a bit. It was a bit awkward to be honest, but I composed myself before anyone else arrived and I was mostly fine for the rest of training. After I got home I contemplated texting her, but she did first and I finally told her what I was planning. I know she probably felt so scared in that moment. We texted for a bit about it an there’s a chance I’ll check myself into a mental hospital soon. I don’t really know why I’m posting this, but here I am.