everytime i have a day for myself and i do nothing with it i feel guilty.

ive had a rough month, i pretty much overworked myself almost everyday, but still i managed to not isolate myself even tho it's my tendency.

today was my first day off in so long and i spent it basically doing nothing, i refused to go out with my friends and i just stayed in bed watching some movies to recharge. i can't help but feel like shit and miserable about it, i feel like im wasting my life and that im spiraling back into my old awful habits and routine even though it's just one single day of alone resting time.

it probably doesn't help that i never really got over everything that happened in my life these last years, i didn't get to see a therapist nor i talked about it with anyone, since i had some bad past experiences with doing so.

being busy keeps me distracted, but once im alone with my thoughts it all comes back, i feel empty and guilty again and it's always worse than the time before.

i dont know how to convince myself it's okay to just not talk to anyone for a day and that people won't leave me because of that nor ill fail if i relax.

im really aware of why i am the way i am and why i probably feel certain things, but im not in the position to search for professional help right now like i wasnt before and so im afraid it'll never get better and that i'll have to keep myself distracted all my life not to give space to my thoughts.