Feeling embarrassed because of OCD

Got diagnosed with OCD around half a year ago. And then things started to click really hard for me. My pure O type became clearer. And I could see just how much I've been ruminating about everything. I didn't make too much of it at the time though? Because my main themes are relationships and morality. So I'd tell myself "it's not ideal. But it does make me accountable and help me grow".

A big part of my OCD manifestation has revolved around spending hours in bed deconstructing every last thing and trying to "better" myself and assess my relationship needs. My "introspection" has been a chip on my shoulder; and people would commend me for it as well. So... I didn't make much of my OCD. The diagnosis made it clear that there was something underneath the rumination and that was... weird? but not deal breaking.

But then I recently began to observe the "non big picture stuff" parts of my OCD. The parts where I wasn't worried about improving myself or anything. But just... checking and rechecking train routes. Routes that I go on multiple times a week. Routes where I know the 3 stops before mine. And routes where I'd know if/when I overshot. Routes where I can visually recognize each station more or less. Or the fact that I spend a lot of time "planning" potential directions a conversation may go. What would I say if... would I wanna be funny or not... how much intensity would be too much... what if I come off as cold?

My partner had a manic episode recently as well. And through talking about it in therapy? My therapist brought something up. I spent as much energy talking about "non-crisis" relationships as I spent on real major concerns (taking care of someone in-patient). And I was like "well fuck me". The fact that my rumination runs so deep that it assumes an actual crisis when there is none. That was so upsetting. And I began to see how I observe my life; but barely live it. Like I'm an outsider myself.

And idk, I find myself grieving for all the time I've spent being affected by OCD. And feeling humiliated?? Like upset and sad and down on myself; just knowing that this has been my whole life. That I've lived this way. I'm working on my ERP; yes.

But coming to see the sheer intensity and serious affect OCD can have on me? It's humbling and it's upsetting