Drinking again

So I started with AA meeting, right before my surgery because I could not stop drinking which my overeating caused.

I said I was inbetween, agnostic-atheist and constat God talk was disgusting to me(sorry for who believes) . In second meeting I asked for a sponsor. Someone took me there on my kneeves for 3rd step. For prayer(again I am not a believer and do not even understand most of it because it is also in old english and it is not my native) but I am desperate for help so did all.

Working on steps and attend meetings, my sponsor says you should share everytime,so I force myself sharing . Usually they read a paragragh and sometimes nothing to share, then I get 3rd hand critised for not sharing right things and there to socialize ( even though not allowed to do it for other people’s sharing) but I kept goingbecause they are x year sober so it means it work. They say i am (and all alcoholics) self centered while I am getting years of therapy that I live by others.so I believe because nothing else worked so maybe they understand me.

still keeping sober and had a soul tearing week at work, then my parents thrn one of them diagnosing with cancer almost.(we are still waiting for results)

Went to a meeting again led by these so long sobers just to bullied again because I did not share “right things” or “enough” and there to socializd and I started drinking again and blame myself because I did it again and I did not follow things right.

Btw I have isolated myself for years because ehen I drink I balckout.

Called my sponsor from that group telling everything I am going through. he tells he was expacting it because I was fighting the program, and kept asking if I was desperate enough,he means I am asking questions and telling him I don’t have a god.by then I was almost 2 months sober.

They were also very pushy about steps and helping other alcoholics, while I did not know how to help myself and it was one of my questions.

Sorry if I had written so long or made nonsense I am drinking right now not proud of it and still trying to qiut but I dont know how to eliminate AA meetings they don’t attend (which I think worked for me )because they try to go every meeting out there with a whole bunch of people.