So much bullshit has built up and now its turned into the biggest ball of anxiety and stress to the point of physical distress

TW: abuse, rape, death, drugs, homelessness, prostitution

I was r@ped at 8 years old and ended up with PID so bad I now have only half my fallopian tube. After that my mom basically turned me into her cash cow. By eleven I was prostituting every single day and she took every penny I made. She knew exactly what was happening and didn’t care. At 12 she got me hooked on d0pe and crack so I’d stay compliant and keep bringing money in. That was my “normal.”

At 16 she decided I was an embarrassment. I accidentally overdosed (real accident) and she told everyone it was a suicide attempt so she could have me committed and get me out of the way. She had a new boyfriend and didn’t want me around anymore. I got out and was immediately homeless. I couch-surfed and slept in the woods until I was 18.

That’s when I met my first real boyfriend. He was 42. I was 18. He took me in. Five years later he died right in front of me from cirrhosis, esophageal varices, and ascites. I watched him vomit blood for hours, pus and water literally pouring out of his pores, necrosis setting in, maggots eating the dead tissue while he was still alive. On his deathbed he basically handed me off to his friend — my current boyfriend, who was 62 at the time.

We were homeless together for about a year. I was using fentanyl and crack the whole time. Found out I was five months pregnant while we were still on the street. I kept using until the day I found out. Somehow I carried to full term. My son was born stillborn in November 2025. Perfect, beautiful, and already gone.

I’m 24 now going on 25. I don’t know what “normal” feels like. I don’t know how to exist without trauma being the only constant in my life. I’m not looking for the same old "go to rehab" comments... I can't due to a legal issue (not a warrant. Long story. Same reason I had no meds or epidural during the birth of my dead son— I just needed to say it all in one place so maybe I can stop carrying it alone for five minutes.

I'm sure this will be removed anyway. My story tends to be too much for my therapists. They told me they weren't qualified to continue seeing me. So I'm sure it's too grotesque for a reddit group.

I have never felt this much suicidal ideation nor anxieties to this extent. Every waking hour I have this overwhelming stress that festers in my gut like a knot of nausea, causing excruciating mental AND physical discomfort.

it's one thing after another and this is just a quick post trying to garner some sort of calm and peace before I lay down with eyes wide open since I'll be dope sick tonight and painfully awake. This isn't even a quarter of what my life has or is consisting of. Just the basis. Just a tiny little sample.

Has anyone else dealt with similar circumstances and built themselves up from this sort of hell?