If I die now, what happens next?

I feel my world shifting and turning every second

My thoughts, my words, my bones, my mouth

It all feels disassociating and never in place with how I feel now.

I feel mentally broken, and like I try to hold the puzzle pieces to feel normal

But I feel far away from it.

I feel far away from being okay, or normal.

I just feel alone.

I feel so lonely, and misunderstood.

Like no one can understand this pain, or life changes I’m going through right now.

I know I did it for myself,

But I never expected to be met with even more cold shoulders now.

I thought I could do it,

But it was just a thought. It wasn’t the reality of my life yet.

I can’t complain about it,

I can’t complain about anything right now because I know I did it to myself.

I know that I asked for it,

But god, does it feel harsh.

And god, does it remind you just how cold and desolated this world really is.

I want to live my life being happy and content with myself,

But even the internet is filled with toxicity.

I know it was already filled with garbage and anger,

But each day, I just grow to hate this place.

I grow to hate every invisible piece of string and wall that tries to barricade me to be what

To be something impossible to attain

I want to be liked, I want to be loved for who I am,

Yet when every moment comes to revealing my true self, it’s almost like

I’m met again with rejection.

I’m met with invisible lies, and disappointments of what I could be

I don’t want to be anything to anyone.

I don’t want to fit in, and I don’t want to try anymore to please something

I want to be happy with my choice in life, and stop being judged for it.

So if it makes someone uncomfortable, then I don’t care.

If it hurts someone’s feelings, then not my problem.

If it feels cringe or weird, then I’m doing something right.

I want to be confident in myself now,

And I’m tired of letting things decide for me

What I can, and cannot do.