“You don’t turn me on anymore” “I’m tired of having sex with you after all these years”

Those are the words he (mid 40s LLM) spoke to me (early 40s HLF) on our way home a few days ago.

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years and married more than half that time. A couple years ago, we started having sex again after a several year dry spell (we were both to blame - we got complacent). It started out very sporadic. Once every few months. The frequency has increased to once a month over the past 6 or so months. I get turned down 99.9% of the time. We have an amazing relationship other than that. We do everything together, snuggle all night long, flirt, kiss, dates, vacations away just the 2 of us. The sex is the one thing missing and I crave that connection.

A few weeks ago we had a somewhat emotional discussion about the frequency. At this point it had been several weeks. He knows that around the week 2 mark, I start to get frustrated. During the discussion he made it very clear that we would only be doing it once a month and that's it. This crushed me because I thought things were starting to get better.

Fast forward to a few days ago. we were snuggling in bed, he was very noticeably hard and I was doing what the little spoon would do in that situation and I started to try to initiate something. Nothing happened. He got up and got in the shower. He got out of the shower and I hopped in. He quickly left the bathroom and I just had a feeling that something was up. I finish my shower about 5 minutes later. When I step out of the bathroom, he had only just started getting dressed. I walked downstairs and could tell he had been in the other bathroom. I got quiet and we went about our day. He could tell something was bothering me, but I kept saying it was fine. Finally one of the times he asked if I was going to be upset all day, I finally asked him "what were you doing while I was in the shower?" He immediately got defensive and asked why I was spying on him. I wasn't, but my intuitions are usually always spot on. I asked him if he was watching porn - he said no (I don't believe him). I asked him if he was "taking care of himself" - he said yes. Heart crushed!

A few hours later is when he said what he said on our drive home during an argument about his morning activities and me suggesting he get on testosterone. I didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I didn't talk to him the whole next day either. Yesterday he gave me a hug before he left for work and told me he loved me. I told him I love him too, but I can't get over the things he said to me. He said that he was sorry, he can't take it back, and he only said it to hurt me. We still cuddle throughout the night and talk about some things, but I just can't get over the hurt he caused me by saying what he said. I stopped doing as much for him in the morning to get him out the door to work and I don't text him or anything throughout the day unless he initiates. I don't know where to go from here. I do believe he said it to hurt me, but I can't unhear it. He is truly my entire world, but I have this constant sadness now.

Or child only has a couple years left of school and I always told myself if I ever leave him, it will be once our child is out of school, never before. I start therapy next week and can hopefully start to focus more on myself and less on him. I just don't know how to get past this - even if he didn't mean it. Where do I go from here?