Fell in love with my ex boyfriends country and envisioned my future there I genuinely don’t know how to get over this

Ex lived in Scotland and we had such an amazing time there. I felt like it’s my second home, I never felt happier. I ruined the relationship with my undiagnosed ROCD and CPTSD. I’m genuinely at a loss of words. I wake up with a pit in my chest every morning knowing I won’t go back and I feel SICK.

I can’t afford to go to grad school there, it would mean taking on $45,000 of debt in tuition not including living expenses, and I think I would throw up knowing the chances of running into him are slim. I’m so angry with myself because It feels like I genuinely lost everything.

He was really sweet and amazing just too young and a bit immature, I was unhealed too and I wasn’t ready to contribute to a healthy relationship :(. We dated for almost 2 years, and I fell in love with the seabirds, the art, the lifestyle, the scenery, I don’t know how to ever get over this. It feels like I got cut off from my second life.

I grew up in an abusive household and he was like my escape but maybe that’s where I fucked up too, it placed a lot of pressure on him. I’m genuinely feeling borderline s word over this because it feels like I just got stripped away of my happiness and the life i’ve always dreamed of. This wasn’t an ordinary relationship where we lived near each other but long distance so everytime we saw each other it was dream-like and amazing.

I literally felt like a local oh my god like I can’t believe I can’t go back now. And yes I can go back for vacation or whatever it is NOT the same I wanted to live there so bad oh my god. But it feels impossible now and it hurts my soul so deeply because I know my home is out there and I can’t go :(