I thought PPD would be gone by now…

I am 8 months postpartum and though the depression & anger would be gone by now.

I absolutely adore our LO, I love her smile and her little giggle, the way she copied faces and wants to try crawling everywhere.

But with how much I’m putting in, mentally, physically, emotionally- I just can’t muster up the motivation to care about myself anymore.

I used to love getting dressed, putting on makeup, running a business, curling my hair… now my days are get baby up, take care of baby, try to work during naps, go to bed, repeat. It doesn’t help that the weather is still cold a nd crummy.

My partner is great and is a great dad, but like many moms, I take 100% of the mental load of having a baby. I’m the only one researching, keeping track of allergens to introduce, making sure she’s eaten enough ounces in a day, keeping track of naps and nap times and if she needs a bridge nap due to over tiredness. I’m the only one packing when we have to travel and I’m the one responding to all false starts and early morning wakes.

Ive gotten to the point where I don’t really care about myself. Can’t remember how many days I’ve gone without showering, without just wearing pajamas all day because whats the point?

I feel like my entire existence and identity got boiled down to: take care of another human. I can’t find it in myself to feel like I matter. I don’t remember what I used to do for fun. I used to enjoy growing a business and now I just dang care about it at all. Everything feels pointless.

Were in a weird financial spot so therapy isn’t an option, and I’m not really sure Zoloft is doing much. I just want to feel happy again ands can’t seem to dig myself out of this haze. Everyone says it gets better… but when? This just feels like a new normal I can’t get out of.