I am very hurt

preface: this post will be all over the place, I'm sorry.

This happened last December, as we prepared for the Christmas eve vigil.

I had been part of a music ministry for two and a half years, with a regular schedule, helping members with copies, and even encoding handwritten music scores into MuseScore to be printed.

Because the choirs had been combined, all of a sudden we found ourselves to be a bit too many for both the organ and the piano, as well as a conductor and a lookout.

With all the people practicing, I felt out of place and slowly became frustrated, to the point that even the smaller ones angered me, like a broken pew, or the screeching sound while technicians revamped some audio systems.

I walked out in both practice occasions, and at the last minute, I was told to stand aside because of a perceived addition at the start of the program (there wasn't apart from some local tradition that's short), but there really wasn't. Before it started, the priest came upstairs to see if anyone had the score for his part (I had the actual sheet music and not just some photocopy). After that, I walked out, frustrated that they didn't sense anything was wrong.

Prior to this, I had been told that the said priest called one of us at the last minute to join, which kind of threw me off guard, though he did admit that there was a communications lapse. I told at least two of them that I felt out of place and didn't feel I had a part. I left the specific group chat in protest, but nobody seemed to care since no one checked on me as to why I did so.

Just a few days later, I receive a message from our director, saying he was offended and, among other accusations, said that "(I) have changed." As someone on the spectrum, that charge actually hurt me. I was removed as a coordinator, and was meted with a "mandatory leave" for an "indefinite" period until they deemed I was good enough for them again.

I answered back, but was simply told that it was "good" I responded and that they'll keep in touch.

It will be Easter soon, and they will sing at the Easter vigil again. Last year, I became a last minute conductor. Now, I am nowhere. All my other church friends agreed it was a bad case of miscommunication, with one calling it "definitely unpastoral," but the church is a dictatorship, let's be real. I almost said that to my response letter back then, but I held back.

As someone who is aware of the agonizing justice system in our country, an indefinite sentence is a common scene in jails, where prisoners await for a day in court as the backlog spans decades. In any other place, an indefinite sentence counts for cruel and unusual punishment, but this is the church you're talking about.

My mental health has gone down the gutter since, and it's not just about being shunned and cast away. I've grown resentful of the church institution even more than I already was as a cynic then.

I even wrote a letter to a seminary prefect who I befriended alongside his students, and went to confession and mass as a "formality."

Just days before, I've been grinding early morning and late evening masses causing me a lack of sleep and a weakened body for a while. I even printed manuals for their new piano and organ and had it shipped to my office so they can study their devices.

But that doesn't prevent some people to mess with my settings while accompanying them because they wanted a lower volume, or didn't like my sound settings. They even discouraged me from using the pedals.

Every time I see choirs perform Catholic concerts, I am fused with anger because of how I was reprimanded for basically "forgetting the mission." What fucking mission? I raised the idea of performing for wakes so the choir can have some revenue aside from membership fees. Your boomer ass discourages recordings, cellphone use, and dismisses comments and criticism until the people themselves tell you.

Maybe I'll be able to address them individually better at how much they hurt me, but this post hopefully starts somewhere.