I miss my family and my ex. I feel like giving up

I’m 27M, and I miss my family. Not in the sense that I moved away and lost touch, but really miss them. My mother, my uncle, my father, and my brother are all gone now. They’re resting, and I’m still here, sitting in a house that feels empty without them.

I spent a lot of my 20s just missing them. It never really stopped. I keep asking myself if I even want to be here anymore.

On top of that, I’m going through a recent breakup. It just feels like one more thing added to everything else. For a long time, I thought maybe I deserved all of this. Like it was some kind of punishment for things I did wrong, or things I took for granted.

Right now, I’m at the lowest point in my life. I stay in bed most days. I barely eat. I have no money, no food, no energy to get up and do anything. Even when I try to take small steps like going for a walk or talking to friends, it feels empty.

I loved my family more than anything. I loved my ex too. Before we got together, he already felt like family to me. Moving on just doesn’t feel right. It feels pointless. Like everything I’ve done just fades away.

There was a time I was scared of losing my house, but my ex helped me keep it. He paid for things until I could find a job. I’m grateful for that, but I also feel guilty. He was living with his parents, and I know I put a lot of pressure on him. I probably caused him more stress than I meant to.

I’ve always struggled with how I see myself. I barely showed my face to him, maybe once or twice. I always felt ugly and didn’t want him to see me like that. My house has been a mess too, and I didn’t want him to see that side of me either.

I’ve thought about ending things more times than I can count, but I always stop myself. I don’t know if it’s fear or something else. I just know I don’t have much desire to keep going. The house still isn’t fully paid off. I don’t drive. My water is shut off, so I use public showers. Everything just keeps getting worse.

As much as I want to stay here, the house feels like it’s falling apart, just like I am.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten in days, but I just want the pain to stop. I keep asking myself why I should keep going. No matter who I meet or care about, I end up hurting them somehow. I don’t do it on purpose, but it keeps happening.

I hate how much everything depends on money. It feels like it controls everything, and it’s brought me so much stress and pain.

I’ve thought about leaving and disappearing, but I don’t even know where I’d go. I don’t want to be found and cause more pain for someone else. I just want to rest. I don’t want to wake up anymore.

I know other people are going through worse. I just don’t feel strong enough to handle my own situation anymore. I don’t know what to do.

My ex’s birthday is this month, and I don’t even know if I’ll make it to that day.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed somewhere to let this out. I hope this didn’t bring anyone down. I wish all of you the best, and I hope you're met with warm kisses in this life...